external regulator

All parents are external regulators for their children, but if your child struggles more than the average kids (whether it be attachment or for some other reason) they are going to need you even more. So what does it mean to be an external regulator? It simply means that you recognize that children's brains are not yet capable of taking in all of the information and making a wise choice based on that information. For instance, with a baby you will recognize that they are tired and cranky and take them home for a nap. With a toddler you may realize that the child they are playing with is too aggressive and that your child does not yet have the tools to handle that situation so you intervene or even remove your child if necessary. External regulation is rooted in understanding your child's needs and their limits and stepping in for them when needed. This role is vital to your child's development and to them learning to trust you. It's a constant reminder to them that you are in control and that you can and will care for them. That does not mean that our children will always appreciate our efforts. You would be hard-pressed to find an eight year old that's going to thank you for giving them a bed time, but this is where we as parents use our logical thinking to override what we may feel emotionally. It's wonderful to have our kids be happy with us, but it is not possible to always have our children's admiration and be acting in their best interest. We must be willing to provide boundaries and guidelines if we want to see our children succeed.
I know, from personal experience, that children with attachment disorders want no part in this. It goes against everything their bodies are telling them is safe and they will fight tooth and nail every step of the way. But, I can also tell you that our RAD kid can now eat in a restaurant (and even gets compliments from other patrons for her self-control), can sit through her brothers' school performances, and can maintain her cool on a play date. (Please note that I said she 'can' do these things, not that she always does.) It wasn't quick or easy but it was absolutely worth it. And, as she is healing more and more we are finding that we need to intervene less and less. To be fair, we still need to intervene for her far more than we do our other children, but it has been so worth the work and I really believe it will continue to improve.
If this is not your strength, you're not alone. It's hard work and requires more patience than seems possible at times. Be prayerful about it and reach out for help and encouragement. We need support in this. Just remember that as hard as it is on us, our kids need us to do this as much as an infant needs to be put down for a nap. It's an active way to show them love.

the importance of play

At the Despair to Hope conference one of the first thing that Ana Gomez spoke about was the importance of play for children. I have been reading Tools of the Mind which shows why children learn best and most through play. It's a similar teaching method to Montessori, but has been proven to teach children self-control and cause and effect thinking by having the children have a "play plan" before they begin. If you're interested in learning more about it I recommend the book Nuture Shock, which I found to be very informative and it has a chapter dedicated to the teaching method. By the way, you don't need to be a teacher or to homeschool to implement the method it can be done with everyday play.

Back to where I began though... Ana spoke about how often children with attachment struggles are hyper-vigilant and show signs of ADHD. (Side note: did you know that at least 9% of school age children in the US are diagnosed with ADHD and less than .5% of French kids are diagnosed. My friend, Joanna sent me a fascinating article about it.) In the US most of the children diagnosed with ADHD are also medicated for it with psycho-stimulants which suppress play. Ana sited a study done on rats where the scientists held the rats back from playing for a time and then allowed them to begin again. Once they were allowed to play the rats played much more aggressively and seemed more frantic than they had before being restrained. The researchers believe that children who are held back from play (in one form or another) would do the same. So, a child on psycho-stimulants might look as though they were even less regulated once they were removed from medication for a time. One of the people attending the conference made a valid point about television and video games being a common play interruption for most children as well.

The same researchers continued with the study by adding the scent of a hare to the rats habitat. They found that the rats didn't play for hours because they were on hyper-allert. It's very common to see the same behavior in children that have not properly attached. They live in a constant state of fear and do not always learn to play properly and often need more intervention than their counterparts.  

So, what do we do with this information? 

I know I touched on this in a previous post, but we need to encourage productive play. Play that requires forethought and imagination is the most helpful so in our house we stick to traditional toys. *I am a huge fan of trains because they encourage kids to use their imagination and logic to build a track. (For some reason trains are typically considered boys toys, but my girls and my nieces all love them so don't rule them out for your girls), Legos and Lincoln Logs are great. Our girls have a doll house that they can play with for hours as well as baby dolls and stuffed animals which allow us to practice being gentle, kind and caring. We were recently gifted a set of magnetic blocks that have been wonderful for small hands because it allows them to build things they might not typically have the dexterity for.  Our kids love to use household things to play too. For instance, taking all the cushions off the couch and building a fort can last all afternoon. Our kids love to take the canned food in our house to create a pretend grocery store, they create their own signs and money and take turns playing in each of the roles. The possibilities are endless, but the key is really to keep our kids engaged in play. It's imperative to their brain development and growth. 

Like most things, you want to consider your child's emotional age and choose toys that are appropriate for that level. Second-hand stores, garage sales and craigslist are great for finding reasonably priced toys. 

If your stuck trying to think of specific way to encourage play for your kiddo please feel free to email me with your child's emotional age and I will track down some suggestions for you. 

*random information of the day: if you are investing in a new train set I would encourage you to avoid the train tables and allow your kids to build on the floor. The reason? Kids will crawl around to make their track and run the trains which allows them to use bi-lateral movements which means both sides of their brain is being engaged. Avoid electrical trains for the same reason. 

Parenting Solutions: creative consequences and solutions for kids under 5

I find that non-traditional consequences for younger children are much more difficult than they are for older children. Little ones need immediate feedback and don't have the logical ability that older kids do. Still, I think there are some options. Most of these are applicable to preschool age kid, but some may work for toddlers too. 

Keeping their space cleaned up:

Toddlers can absolutely clean up after themselves. To make it practical for our kids we have a basket in the family room. Inside the basket are plastic baggies each with a separate activity. We have our kids pick one activity at a time and put it away before they get a new one. 

Around 2 years old our kids become responsible for their own toys. From the time they could crawl they've been helping us clean up the toys in their room so they are perfectly capable of handling it on their own at 2. The key is having a place for everything and having those places accessible for little hands. It's also very important that you don't give your kids more stuff than they can care for themselves. If your kids just pull all their toys off the shelves without playing with anything they are showing you signs that they are overstimulated. We have a large tupperware bucket that toys get switched in and out of. At certain times in our kids lives they could only handle a very small amount of toys. Honor that.  We also have small baskets with toys in rooms they don't go into often (like my office) so that if they are in there the toys are novelties. 

2 side notes about this: Choose your toys carefully. It's much better for kids to have traditional toys (blocks, train tracks, dress up clothes, legos) that allow them to pretend and imagine rather than stuff that lights up and makes sounds. 

If you're like us, and you have a large family that spoils your kids for birthdays and Christmas, ask them to offer your kids experiences instead. A zoo membership, a trip to an indoor play area, passes to the local pool, etc. 

Hitting:

Have them sit on their hands or put them inside their shirt as a physical reminder. Afterwards, have them hug the other child and say something kind about them. 

Costing the family time with poor behavior:

Have the child pay back wasted time. If we are on the way to a fun activity we will have our little one sit out for the first couple of minutes if the behavior happened just before we left. They might have to sit in the front of the grocery cart like a baby instead of walking with the big kids, or they can sit in "time-out" in the car with their hand in their lap and without talking. Side note: their time does not begin until they are calm and in control of their emotions. If the consequence is for 3 minutes but it takes my child 15 minutes to have a good attitude they will sit for 18 minutes. It does them no good to have a discipline if they spend the whole time feeling sorry for themselves and they leave still not in control of their emotions. 

Refusing to eat:

I firmly believe that if you make food an issue, food becomes an issue. You do not want to get into a power struggle with your child over food because it's a battle you cannot win. If your child is not eating well you can do a couple of things to help.

~ First, only put healthy food on your child's plate. Otherwise, your kiddos only going to eat the stuff they like and you're going to start a battle. 

~Second, believe your little one when they say they're done. By trying to force the issue you may be overriding their internal regulations. If one of my kids takes 2 bites of dinner and says they're done, I say "No problem, honey. Breakfast is in the morning." (They are still required to sit at the table with the family though.)

~ Third, if your child is not eating meals do not give snacks. They are not going to starve and you help prevent unhealthy habits, like grazing. 

~Fourth, include them in the shopping and cooking. If they can tell dad that they picked the celery at the store and helped mommy make the salad they are going to be much more likely to eat it. 

~Fifth, make it fun. I once did respite care for a foster child that only ate 3 things- none of them healthy. I decided that for the week he was with us I would not offer any of those foods, but we made everything a game. C was 3 at the time and he was gagging down broccoli, but he kept asking for more because we were pretending that he was a dinosaur eating a tree. The next day he asked me if he could eat more trees. 

~ Last, do not make special meals unless it's medically necessary. You are not a short order cook, your a mom and it's good for your kids to try different things. Plus, it makes it far less awkward when you're at a friends house if you don't have to say my child will only eat mac'n'cheese with carrots. 

Using inappropriate language/being disrespectful:

Have them physically hold their mouth closed.  (Make sure your child knew that the word they used was inappropriate before you give the consequence. If they are just repeating something they heard tell them what the word means and tell them it's not okay to use it again. It's not fair to them to discipline if they didn't know what they did was wrong.) 

Whining:

Make up a whining song. I recommend using the tune to a Barney song or something similar. Any time your kiddo starts whining you start singing. 

for any behaviors

Restitution:

Have them offer something as restitution. They can help mom with a chore, offer another child a beloved toy, allow the other child to pick the next activity. 

Side note: kids learn big words the same way they learn small words- by hearing them in context. All of our kids know what restitution means- even our 2 year old. 

Time in:

 Have your child sit next to you on the floor instead of away from you in another room. Instead of telling our child why they're in time-in we have them sit with us until they are calm and can tell us why they had to sit down. They know they will be sitting for as long as it takes, so this encourages them to start using the logical parts of their brain (rather than their lower brain) to figure out what happened. 

Blanket time:

 We have had great success doing blanket time with our littles. It's meant to prevent issues rather than disciplining for them.  It gives them physical boundaries for themselves and their toys.  They each have a small quilt (crib size) they lay on the family room floor and they each pick an activity from our activity bucket. It really helps when we see that they are overwhelmed and having a hard time with self control. Because they each have their own blanket with their own toys it also helps keep them from fighting. 

Repeat good behavior:

ie. your child throws a toy. You have them practice placing the toy nicely 15 times.

Some things to remember: 

~It's important to discipline with your child's emotional, rather than actual, age in mind. 

~Keep calm. Part of the point of discipline is letting your child know that you are in control. If you seem out of control with your actions or words you will defeat the purpose.

~Don't threaten your kids with discipline. All you do when you make threats is give them a timeline for when they actually need to obey. If you ask them to do something expect them to do it the first time and give the consequence if they don't.  

~Catch your kids doing well. No matter how small the act is, let them know you see them and let them hear you brag about them to your spouse, family and friends.

~Be funny and silly. Sometimes you can instantly defuse a situation by making them laugh. It doesn't mean that your child didn't learn a lesson, you just taught them in a different way.  

If your child sees discipline as an opportunity to wrap you into a power struggle take the power back by 

*Most of these are things I've read about over the years in books and on blogs. Unfortunately, I don't have the references to give them proper credit. 

Do you have anything to add? Disciplines you use or you have seen work for others? Please include them in the comments. I beg you. ;) 

Parenting Solutions: creative consequences for kids over 5

I'm a huge fan of natural consequences because I think kids learn from them faster and the lessons sink in long term.  For example, if your child forgets their school project at home you allow them to loose the 5 points for the project being late rather than running the project to school for them. Or, they waste $20 of allowance on a junky toy. Just think of it as a learning opportunity. Better to waste $20 they worked hard for on a crummy toy than $5000 on a crummy car as an adult. Sometimes though, you can't use natural consequences so in that case I think the next best think is logical consequences meaning the consequence is related to the infraction.  I put together this list of some creative disciplines that I have found helpful. Most of these are ideas I've read about in books or read about on other blogs over the years, but unfortunately I don't have the references to give them credit.

By the way, these are applicable to all children not just those struggling with attachment. 

Aren't keeping their room clean:

Give your child an appropriate amount of time to clean their room. When that time is up take a box in their room and pick up whatever is left. Have your child earn back or pay for each item in the box over time. If it's a continuing problem your child has too much to be responsible for and you need to go through and find things to donate so that your child is capable of caring for their space on an ongoing basis. 

Fighting with siblings:

 ~assume they are bored or don't have anything better to do and give them some chores. 

~have them sit together, holding hands and think of 3 nice things to say about the other person.

Hurting someone/being unkind: 

Have them offer appropriate restitution (ie. do a chore for a sibling, write a letter of encouragement to the other child, serve the other child at a meal, allow the other child to choose the next activity)

Costing the family time with poor behavior:

Have the child pay the time wasted back at an event that is meaningful to them or at bedtime.

Lying:

Have your child write a fictional story and put their "make-believe" to good use. (The story should be well written and neat. Until it is, they are not done.)

Rude at dinner:

Have them eat in another room. On the same note if our kids won't stay in their seat or tip their seat back they loose their seat and stand for the remainder of the meal and of course, clean any mess they make due to being further from their plate. 

Using inappropriate language:

Have them hold their tongue- literally. (Make sure your child knew that the word they used was inappropriate before you give the consequence. If they are just repeating something they heard tell them what the word means and tell them it's not okay to use it again. It's not fair to them to discipline if they didn't know what they did was wrong.) 

Whining:

Make up a whining song. I recommend using the tune to a Barney song or something similar. Any time your kiddo starts whining you start singing. 

Any behaviors:

Have your kiddo read a book that is related to their behavior and write a paper about it. 

 Have them copy sentences. (I usually have my kids identify and copy the family rule they broke.)

Tell them the discipline will come later. Older children can handle and even benefit from a delayed consiquence. Just make sure you don't forget about it. (It's probably best to give the discipline within 24 hours).

Time in:

Kids that are misbehaving should be with you as often as possible. They need you. "Grounding" your child to you can be a wonderful way to help them heal and to work on your bond. And, as an added bonus they can help you while you're unloading the dishwasher, running errands and making dinner.  It will give you plenty of opportunities to talk and enjoy each other. 

Repeat good behavior:

ie. your kiddo slams a door so you have them practice closing it nicely 25 times.

Earn tv/music/electronics:

Instead of taking away time have your child earn it. We use a marble system for this. One marble is worth 5 minutes and they earn them for above and beyond kindness or helpfulness and they each have certain behaviors they are focusing on (things they particularly struggle with) so when I catch them doing well in that area they earn a marble. They also earn them for test scores, projects and homework. 

Some things to remember: 

~It's important to discipline with your child's emotional, rather than actual, age in mind. 

~Keep calm. Part of the point of discipline is letting your child know that you are in control. If you seem out of control with your actions or words you will defeat the purpose.

~Don't threaten your kids with discipline. All you do when you make threats is give them a timeline for when they actually need to obey. If you ask them to do something expect them to do it the first time and give the consequence if they don't.  

~Catch your kids doing well. No matter how small the act is, let them know you see them and let them hear you brag about them to your spouse, family and friends.

~Be funny and silly. Sometimes you can instantly defuse a situation by making them laugh. It doesn't mean that your child didn't learn a lesson, you just taught them in a different way.  As an example, when my older kids are being loud and rude in the store I start dancing. Like, way over the top dancing. Next thing I know they are all standing by the cart giggling and begging me to stop. (I think I've only done this twice because they remind each other by joking, "you better stop or mom's going to start dancing").

If your child sees discipline as an opportunity to wrap you into a power struggle take the power back by allowing them to choose when their consequence will take place. BUT, in the meantime, they have no "privileges". They don't go to friends houses, they don't get any "extras", early bed times, no electronics etc. 

Parenting Solutions: Singing

This weekend at the From Despair to Hope conference I was reminded of something I had completely forgotten about. When M was a baby and toddler she raged almost daily for upwards of 3 hours. That I did not forget.

This is the part I forgot... 

Once, out of desperation to keep my cool, I began singing. And she stopped screaming and fighting. Once I stopped she began again, but if I would keep singing long enough for her to come all the way back to me, it was often enough to make the raging stop completely. After a while, I was sometimes able to identify the signs that she was about to rage and many times we could keep her from raging by singing to her. Ana Gomez, who lead the conference said that singing is one of the best things we can do with our kids. It causes the same hormones in the brain that laughter does and it engages the middle of the brain rather than the lower part of the brain where rages occur.

For the same reasons, it's also a wonderful way to bond and has some of the same benefits that touching does. And, as if that wasn't enough, music is also linked to memory so a song you sing together may trigger memories of happiness, comfort, warmth and love later in life. Which I think is especially cool for foster parents who may not always get to give those things in a physical since. 

I should point out that if I started singing to you it would probably send you into a rage, but that's the beauty of children, they do not care about things like "pitch" and "knowing all the words", so start singing. 

One more note: to help solidify the memory aspect, choose some songs that are a bit more obscure. Maybe some that you remember from your own childhood. 

From Despair to Hope Conference

On Saturday I got to go to the From Despair to Hope conference with speaker, Ana Gomez. It was wonderful and I'm hoping to recap parts of it soon, but it was 6 hours long so it's somewhat daunting to think about putting it into blog format. 

Still, I am working on it and hopefully the first one will be done in the next couple of days. 

Book Recommendation

There are dozens of great book about attachment and I hope to put together a post soon with some recommendations, but I just finished The Anti-Romantic Child and I had to mention it because I found it incredibly encouraging and relatable. I literally just waled by it in the library and threw it in my bag and I'm so thankful I did. The author, Priscilla Gilman, is a professor and has a child with hyperlexia. She writes candidly about her experiences, her concerns, her grief, her need to advocate for and protect her son and the joy she find when she's able to let go of what she thought her child should be like. Although the book is not about attachment in the way most of us experience it, you do see the theme throughout the book. It's not a self-help book so there are not necessarily practical suggestions for you to implement into your daily life, but I still found it to be inspiring and I hope you do to.