ReMoved

                           “Being a foster parent is hard. Being a foster child is harder.”           Angels Foster Agency

I know I've been MIA for a while and I plan to address that soon, but for now I really wanted to share about this incredible project. I saw this video a while ago (I don't remember where) but I think it's a beautiful representation of the way children from hard places process and why. It's only 12 minutes and worth every second of your time. They are taking the project one step further with another follow-up video. If you have any interest in reading about it or backing it you can check it out here.

Encouragment

My dear friend, Debby told me about this blog a while ago and I have become a bit of a stocker since I first read Shannon's beautiful take on life. She's a gifted and talented writer and I adore her. I secretly hope I will get to meet her this side of Heaven.  She recently wrote a post inspired by the book Surprised by Motherhood about her son that I have re-read multiple times and every time it brings tears to my eyes. She writes this about parenting a child from a hard place:

"But my child gave me the gift of ripping the mask off my ugly, making me face it every single day, no where to turn, no where to hide. Loving him has set me free from the stunning arrogance that I could fix him, or anyone. It's not within my skill set. It was never meant to be." (emphasis mine)

I feel like she took these words straight from my own heart. I  have learned more from parenting kids that have been deeply hurt than anything else in my life. By a long shot. God has used it to shine more light onto my sin than I ever thought possible and He has used it to remind me of His great love and mercy. 

If you have a child from a difficult past please take the time to read Shannon's entire post. I hope you are as encouraged as I am. 

 

what we wish you knew...

I just read this open letter from a RAD mom. She said what I have heard a lot of mommies express lately so I thought I'd share. It might be a good jumping off point to talking with your family or friends. 

You need to know that kids from hard places frequently find themselves in fight, flight, or freeze mode. You need to know some always go to fight.

You need to know that these children create hell on earth for some families. You need to know that these children, when triggered, hit, kick, bite, throw things, lie, steal, defecate, vomit, destroy property, and more (sometimes on a daily or hourly basis). You need to know that in their dysregulation, these children say the most venomousthings to the people who are the kindest to them.

You need to know that the trauma that causes such violent and malevolent behaviors also, often, allows them to put on a good show in public.

You need to know that just because these behaviors may only happen within family limits, that does not mean the family needs a new strategy or is doing anything wrong.

You need to know that comments such as “I can never imagine sweet S0-and-So doing such things,” “I’d take him home in a heartbeat,” or “She must be going through so much right now” may be true but make families feelisolated, hopeless, crazy, insecure, and often drive them into a deeper depression. In the same vein, you need to know that phrases like “Teens are just like that,” or “All kids go through this stage” do not apply to these families. These kids have all the typical developmental drama on steroids plus trauma drama and then some. You need to know that parents of fighters need validation not minimization.

You need to know that while families are desperate for respite, it’s not that simple. Respite comes at a high cost of even more intense behavior. So goes the bizarre nature of attachment disorder. You need to know that these families are not masochists…if it was as easy as just getting some extra help, they would have done it months or, even, years ago.

You need to know about emotional whiplash. This happens when a child is happy one minute, beating you bloody another, and asking for a hug the next. You need to know that the switch from the logic brain to the survival brain is so complete and so quick that sometimes children don’t even remember the evil minute. You need to know that the caregiver who witnesses this is left emotionally drained and had to figure out how to be emotionally available and cuddly to a child who seconds before was a danger to be around. You need to know that your sympathy or even kindness to these children is like rubbing salt in an open wound unless you balance it with double amounts empathy and kindness directed specifically at the parent.

You need to know that families largely knew what they were signing up for and they know why their kids behave they way they do. You need to know that they are fully committed to healing them, but healing takes a LOOOOOONG time of weathering the horrendous and unfathomable while still remaining compassionate. Sticking it out is the point so please don’t try to suggest quick fixes or even that we should throw in the towel.

You need to know that even though families are committed for the long haul, they need safe places to vent. Venting does not mean families are any less committed or that they think poorly of their child. They’re only human, and they’re exhausted. They’re battered…literally. You need to know that families feel trapped because to tell the truth about what these kids do would make it seem like their badmouthing their kid…plus they can be so sweet when regulated. You need to know that families are trying to figure out how to protect their child’s story and privacy while still not lie when someone asks how it’s really going.

You need to know that the world has not been a safe place for venting. You need to know a safe place just offers ahug, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to assure us that we’re not crazy. An extra meal here or there can’t hurt either.

Speaking of food. You need to know that any dietary or other restrictions families communicate are not because they are anal retentive control freaks…it’s desperation for survival.

You need to know that it’s devastating when you insinuate to hurt kids that their parents are too strict or even show a slight deviation in opinion. You need to know that families need EVERYONE in their child’s world to back them up…whether you agree or not. If you have a genuine concern, you need to know to address it completely out of earshot of any children. You need to know it’s imperative to the child that it seems all adults are on the parents’ side. You need to know that the best thing you can say to a hurt child is, “We should ask your parents,” or “You should do whatever your parents say.”

You need to know that these children are approximately half (sometimes less) their biological age emotionallyso the structure implemented in their lives is not nearly as inappropriate as you may think.

You need to know that if you’re one of the professionals or volunteers that has to care for a child from hard place, you need to stick it out too. You need to know that families need allies and people who will go along with their plan as counterintuitive as it may seem to you. You need to know that clucking your tongue and shaking your head at how a child could end up this way is also not helpful. You need to know that the people that hurt these children are also people from hard places, and they need resources for healing just like the kids…not judgment.

Thanks for taking the time to know.

http://www.parentingwithconnection.info/2014/02/the-inside-scoop-fighters/

Helping Our Children Enjoy Christmas

Helping any child to be less self-centered at Christmas can be more than a bit challenging. Add to that most children who have experienced trauma often have more struggles this time of year. I don't know about you but we are feeling it over here. Here are a few suggestions that have been beneficial for our family. By no stretch of the imagination have these fixed any struggles, but they help us and them to get through the season intact. 

1. Don't have them make wishlists. I make add to an online wishlist throughout the year so that we will have suggestions for extended families for Christmas and birthdays. A few times we have asked our children to make a list of what one of their siblings would enjoy, but it can be difficult for some kids to remain focused on their siblings and it can be too abstract for very small children so we really only do it if we're stuck on what to get for one child. 

2. Keep the gifts few and simple. Although we don't do it ourselves, I like the idea of giving each child something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. It's predictable and keeps both you and the kids in check so that there isn't an overflow of presents that cost a fortune and no one really appreciates. If it weren't for this next one that is what we would do...

3. Give time rather than toys. A few years ago my friend, Debby, suggested this to me after reading about another family who did it. Every year our kids are given an experience and one or two small gifts. For instance, one year we took them camping so they were given new flashlights and sleeping bags. 

4. Use an advent calendar. We've been using Make Him Room. I printed off advent cards I found on Pinterest so that we could hang one every night. It's great to have a reminder every evening about why we're really celebrating and having a visual way to mark off our reading progress. 

5. Have traditions. Having some things that are expected can be great for kids that are feeling torn emotionally and it can be helpful for you since it gives you things to look forward to as well. Keep in mind that a lot of RADlings will purposefully sabotage fun family events. If you are raising one of those kids it's probably better to keep the festivities a surprise. 

6. Don't overextend yourselves. You will probably have to turn down certain activities because all kids and, our kids in particular, need to have plenty of sleep and a fairly consistent schedule. 

7. Expect a few breakdowns and have grace. Is it okay for our kids to behave badly? No. But, by reminding yourself that this can be a very tough time of year for them can help you to have more compassion for them and, I'm speaking for myself here, knowing that it's coming somehow makes it's 10 times easier to handle it. 

What kinds of things do you do or do you know of other families doing to make this time of year easier for you and your little people? 

Parenthood...

The show Parenthood on NBC is probably my favorite current show, but I have a serious issue with one of their story lines. Last season Julia and Joel adopt a 7 year old (I think?) son, Victor. Before they officially adopted him he was violent, aggressive, angry and nearly impossible to connect with. It was suggested to Julia that it was all because Victor was afraid of rejection and that once they went through with the adoption things would get better. Sure enough, while not every issue was resolved, it did resolve the bulk of them, including the attachment. I realize this is a show with a script, but I have been shocked at how often this same lie is told (and believed!) in the adoption world. 

Not long ago, I spoke to a family that is in absolute turmoil because they were feed this exact lie. The child who has already faced so much hurt is no better for the thoughtless and inaccurate information they were given by a child psychologist. I am a huge advocate of foster care and adoption, but we have got to start being more honest about what that road can hold. Parenting is not always rainbows and butterflies and when you're talking about a child that has been traumatized it's going to be that much tougher. It's worth it, without a doubt. But it's not fair to the families or to the children that are coming into these homes to make them think that there is an easy solution. It takes time and it takes sacrificial love to help kids feel safe, cared for and attached. 

As a general rule, the longer the child faced trauma the longer that process is going to take. But for the love of Pete, please do not buy into the idea that a hurting child is suddenly healed by knowing they are loved. That logic is no different than a man telling a woman who had been assaulted that everything is going to be fine because he loves her and is never going to hurt her and then expecting her to just accept that and move on. It's ridiculous at best.

Parenting Solutions: Eye Contact

A friend of mine just started a blog about parenting her son who's been diagnosed with Aspergers and one of her first posts is a brilliantly simple way to help kids who struggle with eye contact which is very common for children who haven't formed appropriate attachments. It was one of the earliest signs for our daughter, showing up when she was just an infant.  Interestingly enough, kids that struggle with attachment issues and kids with Aspergers share many of the same traits which can open up a whole new world of play therapy ideas and resources. Of course, it's important to remember that the reason behind the behaviors are different, so you have to be discerning in what will transfer well.

I digress. Heather helped her then 4 year old son work on eye contact by putting a sticker on her face. When her son noticed it she would ask him a question. If he answered the question he got to keep the sticker, but if not she just put it away for later. She wisely did not make it a battle and rather a fun game. You can read her entire post here.   

Other great ideas I've learned about for helping with eye contact:

Offer a sweet treat, like ice cream, when your child looks at your eyes you feed them a bite. Even if your child is well past the age of needing to be fed it's important you do it yourself to help create a bond and a happy experience that relates directly to having intimacy with you. 

Play a teamwork game using only your eyes for direction. For instance, you could put a cotton ball on the floor and have a code using your eyes. When you blink once it's your child's turn to blow on the ball and when it's your turn you blink twice. Time yourselves to see how quickly you can get the cotton ball over the finish line.

With our very small children we would put their hands on our temples before we spoke.

Make sure you use a lot of positive reinforcement when your child starts to improve and use eye contact on their own. It's a huge struggle for them and a big sign that they are engaging. On that same note, your eyes say a lot so make sure you are looking at them kindly and with love. 

On a personal note, I have a vivid memory of the first time my daughter looked up at me to see if a situation was safe for her. She was 3 and we were in the grocery store. A man approached her and started talking with her. She reached up, grabbed my hand and looked at my eyes. It's one of the things I took for granted with my other children, but with her it was the first outward sign that she believed I would and could protect her. It's a moment I cherish and I will never forget. Now, she has moved well past that and even recognizes what my facial expressions mean and will respond appropriately (ie. the 'mom' look). 

I'm sure there are tons of great ideas for helping kids learn to make eye contact, so if you have any please share in the comments. I know everyone would appreciate the suggestions. 

tragedy and privilege

I read this quote a few weeks ago and it stopped me in my tracks.  

Jody Landers beautifully and eloquently says what my heart has felt for the last 4+ years....