Helping Our Children Enjoy Christmas

Helping any child to be less self-centered at Christmas can be more than a bit challenging. Add to that most children who have experienced trauma often have more struggles this time of year. I don't know about you but we are feeling it over here. Here are a few suggestions that have been beneficial for our family. By no stretch of the imagination have these fixed any struggles, but they help us and them to get through the season intact. 

1. Don't have them make wishlists. I make add to an online wishlist throughout the year so that we will have suggestions for extended families for Christmas and birthdays. A few times we have asked our children to make a list of what one of their siblings would enjoy, but it can be difficult for some kids to remain focused on their siblings and it can be too abstract for very small children so we really only do it if we're stuck on what to get for one child. 

2. Keep the gifts few and simple. Although we don't do it ourselves, I like the idea of giving each child something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. It's predictable and keeps both you and the kids in check so that there isn't an overflow of presents that cost a fortune and no one really appreciates. If it weren't for this next one that is what we would do...

3. Give time rather than toys. A few years ago my friend, Debby, suggested this to me after reading about another family who did it. Every year our kids are given an experience and one or two small gifts. For instance, one year we took them camping so they were given new flashlights and sleeping bags. 

4. Use an advent calendar. We've been using Make Him Room. I printed off advent cards I found on Pinterest so that we could hang one every night. It's great to have a reminder every evening about why we're really celebrating and having a visual way to mark off our reading progress. 

5. Have traditions. Having some things that are expected can be great for kids that are feeling torn emotionally and it can be helpful for you since it gives you things to look forward to as well. Keep in mind that a lot of RADlings will purposefully sabotage fun family events. If you are raising one of those kids it's probably better to keep the festivities a surprise. 

6. Don't overextend yourselves. You will probably have to turn down certain activities because all kids and, our kids in particular, need to have plenty of sleep and a fairly consistent schedule. 

7. Expect a few breakdowns and have grace. Is it okay for our kids to behave badly? No. But, by reminding yourself that this can be a very tough time of year for them can help you to have more compassion for them and, I'm speaking for myself here, knowing that it's coming somehow makes it's 10 times easier to handle it. 

What kinds of things do you do or do you know of other families doing to make this time of year easier for you and your little people? 

Parenthood...

The show Parenthood on NBC is probably my favorite current show, but I have a serious issue with one of their story lines. Last season Julia and Joel adopt a 7 year old (I think?) son, Victor. Before they officially adopted him he was violent, aggressive, angry and nearly impossible to connect with. It was suggested to Julia that it was all because Victor was afraid of rejection and that once they went through with the adoption things would get better. Sure enough, while not every issue was resolved, it did resolve the bulk of them, including the attachment. I realize this is a show with a script, but I have been shocked at how often this same lie is told (and believed!) in the adoption world. 

Not long ago, I spoke to a family that is in absolute turmoil because they were feed this exact lie. The child who has already faced so much hurt is no better for the thoughtless and inaccurate information they were given by a child psychologist. I am a huge advocate of foster care and adoption, but we have got to start being more honest about what that road can hold. Parenting is not always rainbows and butterflies and when you're talking about a child that has been traumatized it's going to be that much tougher. It's worth it, without a doubt. But it's not fair to the families or to the children that are coming into these homes to make them think that there is an easy solution. It takes time and it takes sacrificial love to help kids feel safe, cared for and attached. 

As a general rule, the longer the child faced trauma the longer that process is going to take. But for the love of Pete, please do not buy into the idea that a hurting child is suddenly healed by knowing they are loved. That logic is no different than a man telling a woman who had been assaulted that everything is going to be fine because he loves her and is never going to hurt her and then expecting her to just accept that and move on. It's ridiculous at best.

Parenting Solutions: Eye Contact

A friend of mine just started a blog about parenting her son who's been diagnosed with Aspergers and one of her first posts is a brilliantly simple way to help kids who struggle with eye contact which is very common for children who haven't formed appropriate attachments. It was one of the earliest signs for our daughter, showing up when she was just an infant.  Interestingly enough, kids that struggle with attachment issues and kids with Aspergers share many of the same traits which can open up a whole new world of play therapy ideas and resources. Of course, it's important to remember that the reason behind the behaviors are different, so you have to be discerning in what will transfer well.

I digress. Heather helped her then 4 year old son work on eye contact by putting a sticker on her face. When her son noticed it she would ask him a question. If he answered the question he got to keep the sticker, but if not she just put it away for later. She wisely did not make it a battle and rather a fun game. You can read her entire post here.   

Other great ideas I've learned about for helping with eye contact:

Offer a sweet treat, like ice cream, when your child looks at your eyes you feed them a bite. Even if your child is well past the age of needing to be fed it's important you do it yourself to help create a bond and a happy experience that relates directly to having intimacy with you. 

Play a teamwork game using only your eyes for direction. For instance, you could put a cotton ball on the floor and have a code using your eyes. When you blink once it's your child's turn to blow on the ball and when it's your turn you blink twice. Time yourselves to see how quickly you can get the cotton ball over the finish line.

With our very small children we would put their hands on our temples before we spoke.

Make sure you use a lot of positive reinforcement when your child starts to improve and use eye contact on their own. It's a huge struggle for them and a big sign that they are engaging. On that same note, your eyes say a lot so make sure you are looking at them kindly and with love. 

On a personal note, I have a vivid memory of the first time my daughter looked up at me to see if a situation was safe for her. She was 3 and we were in the grocery store. A man approached her and started talking with her. She reached up, grabbed my hand and looked at my eyes. It's one of the things I took for granted with my other children, but with her it was the first outward sign that she believed I would and could protect her. It's a moment I cherish and I will never forget. Now, she has moved well past that and even recognizes what my facial expressions mean and will respond appropriately (ie. the 'mom' look). 

I'm sure there are tons of great ideas for helping kids learn to make eye contact, so if you have any please share in the comments. I know everyone would appreciate the suggestions. 

tragedy and privilege

I read this quote a few weeks ago and it stopped me in my tracks.  

Jody Landers beautifully and eloquently says what my heart has felt for the last 4+ years....

What You Do With Pee

Let me just warn you now, if you have a weak stomach, you'll probably just want to skip this one.

Kids with attachment disorders often have serious hygiene issues and it's not at all uncommon for them to wet or soil themselves. 

Why you ask? To push people away and remain detached.

Just as often they will "pee out the anger" which, of course, never happens in the toilet.

 I know a RAD mom who's child is not a "fighter" and rather a "flighter" so her daughter will comply in the moment and then pee in her closet at night. 

I recently talked with another mom who's child continually defecates in his underwear all.day.long. 

These are not toddlers, both of them are older than 8 and are fully potty trained. 

We are blessed (truly, I can't tell you the number of times I have thanked God for this) because M no longer has these issues. 

Our biggest issues were when she was a toddler. Before we knew about her RAD she would rage daily, sometimes for hours and there was nothing I could do to calm her, so I put her in her crib. She, in turn, took off her diaper and threw the contents of it around her room. On one super difficult day, she held it in her hand, waited for us to walk in and then shoved it in her mouth. My husband literally had to pry it out of her mouth. 

Shortly after we discovered we were parenting a RADling I learned about Christine Mores. Every RAD mom I know knows about Christine. This woman is amazing. God had given her such an amazing heart to serve kids of trauma and to share her experience. She's incredible. She's the one that introduced me to the idea of therapeutic parenting, and my favorite RAD mom quote "out crazy the crazy".

Christine has a video that makes me laugh, reminds me that this is temporary and puts all the crummy RAD behaviors into perspective.  

So, without further ado, here is What You Do With Pee.

Bigger, Wiser, and Stronger

Ana Gomez spoke about the concept of a bigger, wiser, and stronger parent at the despair to hope conference and I think the idea bears repeating. 

The gist of it being that kids need to be confident in their parents ability to care for them. You know how people say that if you experience turbulence on a plane you should look at the flight attendants because their response will tell you if you're really in trouble or not? It's the same concept here. Your kids are watching you to gauge how things are going and to decide if they are safe or not. 

We actually all do this if you think about it. I'll give you an example: I briefly saw a phycologist after we found out M had RAD. She always seemed very confident and sure of the advice she was giving me, but as soon as I would say, "Okay, but I see ______ as being the other side of that" she would back down from her original advice and say something else. I quickly began to think that she really wasn't sure what was happening and I no longer felt that I could rely on her. We don't want to risk the same thing with our kids. 

So what does that look like in real life? 

Be consistent: Equate consistency with honesty. Would you lie to your kids? Of course not. Then don't make empty threats or empty promises. When you do, you tell your kids that you're not really the one in control-which means that they are. It's a scary place to be as a child. 

Be a problem solver: when your kids come to you with issues be willing to help them sort it out. It shows them that you are dependable and that you are wiser than they are. It doesn't mean you have to always know the answers. You can say "Goodness, that's a tough one. Why don't we both give it some thought and talk about it again tomorrow." You still showing your child that you are wiser and bigger and that sometimes that requires giving a problem some thought. 

Win: One of the best things my dad ever did was to let me lose. A lot. He actually never "let" me win a game. By doing so, he showed me two things. 1) I was not as smart as the adults around me and 2) he believed I would eventually be able to do it. He also made sure we played a lot of games of chance so that I wouldn't get discouraged, but he was honest with me about the fact that the game was not based on our skill. 

Be calm: A lack of self-control is great way to show your kids that you cannot handle the situation. It makes them feel insecure and afraid. Almost everyone can think of a time they have felt this way. Our kids are vulnerable even when they are digging their heals in. We can show them that we are able to handle their grief, pain, struggles, etc just by remaining calm. 

Get down at their eye level: By doing so we show our kids that we are bigger than they are, but that we love them and want to meet them where they are. Every time I see a parent do this it's powerful. I think it's a great symbol of the bigger, wiser, stronger concept. It shows a loving response to come down to their level and is a physical example of your willingness to meet them where they're at.
Ask forgiveness: I have talked with a few parents who think that asking their kids for forgiveness equates to weakness in their kids eyes, but I see it just the opposite. Our kids already know we make mistakes- probably better than anyone else, so admitting it is not shocking to them. It makes us relatable, trustworthy and humble- which is not the same as weak.
I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to exemplify the bigger, wiser, stronger concept. What are ways that you or people you know live this out? 

Words of wisdom

"It's really not an exaggeration to say that the kind of relationships you provide for your children will affect generations to come. We can impact the future of the world by caring well for our children and by being intentional in giving them the kinds of relationships that we value and that we want them to see as normal." 

~The Whole-Brain Child             

What every parent should know about antibiotics

My husband and I have five young kids so saying that someone is sick is kinda like saying someone is hungry- it's just a reality of our life more often than not. In the last couple of years I have learned things about antibiotics that my pediatrician never told me, so I thought I'd share them with you.

1) Don't stop giving your children their meds regardless of how their feeling. For years we've been hearing that our bodies build up a resistance to antibiotics every time we take them so when my boys were little I thought it would be best to give them as little as possible. It turns out that some bacteria survives past the point the kids are feeling better and by stopping the antibiotic the remaining bacteria can become stronger and even mutate.

2) Antibiotics can mess with a kids digestive system because it kills good bacteria in the gut along with the bad. Lots of kids get diarrhea while on antibiotics for this reason.

3) Antibiotics can seriously impact a child's behavior because the gut is directly linked to their nervous system. Two of our kids really struggle with behavior issues while on antibiotics and actually well after they're done. I have seen this with a lot of kids, they become irritable, impulsive and hyper-active. 

4)For the same reason it can also effect a child's sleep. 

The good news? Often all of these can be addressed by giving your child a probiotics at the same time they are on antibiotics. Once they are done with their medication you may need to continue giving them probiotics until the symptoms subside. (Sidenote: there are probiotics in yogurt so if the symptoms are mild it may be effective, but typically kids need something stronger.) 

Also important to note: if your child has the opposite effect and seem to have serious behavior issues lessen while on antibiotics you may want to do some further research. PANDAS, for instance has been known to greatly improve while on antibiotics. 

Parenting Solutions: praying for your kids

I read a really helpful blog (or maybe it was an article?) several months ago. I realize it would be the polite thing to do to give credit to the person who gave the advice, but I have no idea who it was anymore. I stink at stuff like that. 

 Anyway, the blog (I think) was written by a mom with a particularly tough kiddo. Not for any diagnosable reason, but just because she was tougher than the average child. The mom said she was up to her eyeballs in frustration with this child so she decided to take a new approach. While her child was sleeping she would pray over her and would whisper to her child everyday that she was precious to her. I appreciated that she used the word "precious" because "love" is so overused and because when I hear it I envision something beautiful and fragile. I started doing the same thing with M. Although, I'd be lying if I said I do it daily, I can say that when I hold myself accountable to it I see a huge difference. Not in her necessarily, but in the way that I see her. It keeps me from seeing her as a list of behaviors and instead it reminds me that she is hurting and healing and most importantly, that she was created by the Lord and that she belongs to Him and that He loves her so much more than I do. 

There is nothing like a sleeping child to remind you of just how vulnerable they really are and there is nothing like prayer to remind you of how much you need the Lord so that you can love your child in real and tangible ways. To that end, I am going to be more mindful of praying over each of my children before I go to bed each night. There is nothing more important I can do for them.

luxuries we don't have

Sometimes I'm keenly aware of how different parenting a RADling is, but last week I had a moment that made me realize something I haven't actively thought about in a while. I went out to dinner with two women I adore. While we were chatting one of my friends commented to the other that I often put M on my lap and play with her hair instinctively/mindlessly. It was a fair assumption. I would assume the same, but it's not true. In that moment I realized that I gave up the luxury of doing anything without thought the day we found out M had RAD. We have to think about everything. Her activities, the way we phrase things, the way we play, when and how we touch her, her sleep, her activities, her friends, the way her room is set up, who can babysit, the foods she eats, etc.  There is no aspect of her life, and by proxy, our lives that has not been impacted by RAD. I'm not saying it to complain. I love my little RADling intensely and I feel blessed (most of the time) to get to be the one who sacrifices for her, and I feel incredibly blessed to live in a time and place where we are aware of RAD and there is support for us and her. That being said,  it is a reality of parenting a child with attachment issues. I hope over time she will continue to heal and it will be less and less necessary, but for now it's part of the deal. I get to parent an amazing little girl and when I think about it that way it seems like a small price to pay. 

To diagnose or not to diagnose

I have received small amount of criticism for having M diagnosed. Turns out almost everyone has an opinion on the topic. And opinions run deep when it comes to a small child being diagnosed with a emotional disorder. Since everyone else is happy to share their thoughts I will too.  

For starters, I think it's really important to know why you're seeking a diagnosis. My husband and I feel strongly that a diagnosis is really nothing more than a shorthand to describe a set of symptoms that are all related. It's not an opportunity for us to offer an excuse for M's behavior or for us to throw our hands up and say it's not our fault. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Understanding how M's brain works tells us how we can respond to and love her. There are also practical reasons for diagnosing. Insurance might cover therapies, you might get access to support and help that you can't get without a diagnosis. That being said, I also have no issue with people acting on the notion that their child has a diagnosis assuming they see the signs, they are seeing results with treating that child as though they had been diagnosed, and so long as they are not medicating. 

Can I tell you as a mom who knew that something serious was happening with my child, having people make the assumption that I was looking for an excuse was hurtful at a time that I already felt a bit crazy? If you know a mom who confides in you that something is going on with their child, whatever that may be, offer support. I'm not saying you can't be honest, but don't send her an article that says that whatever diagnosis she thinks might fit her child is not a real thing, or assume that she's has ulterial motives for seeking help. I don't know any parents who wouldn't love to be proven wrong when it comes to things like this and if they are right they are going to need all the people in their corner that they can get. 

Here's to trying new things

A little back story: At the Despair to Hope conference Ana Gomez spoke about our personal "clouds"- essentially our baggage we bring into parenting that filters the way we see our children's behavior. As I've mentioned before I hate manipulation. While it is of course, sinful I know that a part of my intense feelings about it has more to do with personal past experiences than the fact that my heart is broken over my children's sin. So, God in all His wisdom and love choose a RAD child (aka a master manipulator) for me. It's part of my job to look out for her manipulation because it's really a way to perpetuate a lack of closeness to those around her, and at the same time it means that I need to be very aware of my own issues with it so that I can parent her in a loving and consistent way. The truth is I spend more time watching out for her sin than I do my own and I get caught in a trap of not parenting her for the right reasons. 

So, back to the point...

The other day M woke up from her nap in a terrible mood. She woke up moaning and fussing which is always a sign that things are not going to go smoothly for the rest of the day. After her rest she is expected to make her bed and she was attempting to fold a blanket which wasn't going well for her. She instantly got mad and starting yelling at and hitting the blanket. My typical response to that would have been to put her back in her bed, take the blanket out of her room and let her know that she could stay there until she was back in control of her emotions. I know from past experiences that could take anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours, but I'm nothing if not stubborn and I was more than willing to dig my heals in. Luckily for both of us, I've been reading a great book called The Whole Brain Child and while I don't agree with everything in it I did pause to think about what their approach would be. Instead of saying anything to M I went into her room, put her in her bed and climbed in with her. For about 30 seconds she cried a deep, angry cry. I didn't say anything to her I just held her tightly. After 30 seconds her cry changed from being angry to being so, so sad. I still didn't say anything to her but I held her close and waited for her to calm down. It took about 10 minutes for her to stop crying, for her breathing to become normal and her heart-rate to slow down. When I was sure she was calm I turned her towards me and we whispered about what had happened, why she was so upset and what she should do in the future. I told her that I was going to discipline her for her lack of self-control to which she responded beautifully. She sat in her bed with a good attitude and ran to me when her time was up to give me a hug and ask me for forgiveness. Since then she has spoken about it several times and I saw an improvement in her behavior for the rest of the day. It was a big moment for me. I had a chance to meet her where she was at, to make her feel loved and to express my desire to help her fight her sin while still holding her accountable. It made me think of the many times my husband has gently approached me in my sin and how quickly a hug or a kind word can change my attitude in the moment. I need to practice doing to same for my kids on a consistent basis.

I highly recommend The Whole Brain Child. It's in no way specific to children with attachment issues, but it's still very useful for them and all children.

It's not personal

M has been showing signs this week that she is starting to regress. In the past these "episodes" have lasted for a months at a time and can be very disheartening for us. It's exhausting and just thinking about it makes me feel a bit overwhelmed. Still, it comes with the territory and I know that the Lord will cary us through this just like He has every other time. 

I know that for myself, expectations are everything. I was shocked and very upset this morning when M displayed a behavior I haven't seen in her in a while. I have a tendency to think that I've earned/worked my way out of dealing with these things again, which is of course ridiculous and illogical, but a personal struggle nonetheless. So, as I'm preparing myself for what likely to come and trying to figure out what we need to change to deal with it I need to be constantly reminded of one thing:

It's not personal. 

The truth is her behaviors, and her desire to push me away is not personal, it has nothing to do with me. She is reacting to trauma she didn't ask for and has no ability to process at this age. That in no way excuses me or her from addressing her sin, but I have to keep telling myself the truth to be the best mom I can for her. I need to understand it from a clinical point so that I can approach it in practical and applicable ways and as soon as I start letting my emotions cloud my judgement I stop doing that.

The Strange Situation Experiment

This video shows the widely known Strange Experiment. If you haven't seen it, it's a great way to see what health and unhealthy attachment looks like in young children. 

At one point in the video the interviewee says that this experiment is a significant indicator as to what the parent/child relationship will look like 20 years down the road. If you're like me and you recognize your own child when you see the two unhealthy attachments please don't be discouraged. It's all the more reason to fight for your child. It's further proof that these issues will not self-resolve but that doesn't mean that they can't be fixed through hard work and dedication. 

manipulation

Full disclosure: The behavior I hate the most is the manipulation. I. Hate. It. 

RAD kids are master manipulators and M is no exception. Of course, to be such amazing little manipulators they also have to be hyper-vigilant (taking in excess information about their surroundings)  and to know their audience. 

Let me give you a few of examples of what this looks like in our house:

At two years old M could pick her target in within 20 seconds of walking into the store. Once we got within 5 feet of her victim she would start crying. A terrible, pitiful little cry. With real tears. Although, she sometimes liked to mix it up with some all out tantrums too. Almost, without fail, the stranger would walk up to her and say something like, "Oh, what's the matter? Don't cry. You're so cute. (Looking at me) She's so sweet, I don't know how you can handle it." She won. She controlled the situation and she got unhealthy attention. 

M can size someone up almost instantly and she is astoundingly accurate. I have one friend who is extremely uncomfortable addressing her manipulation. M knows this and is far worse with this particular friend than she is with any other. She has tried to get just about everyone we know to "save" her when she's being disciplined. We have asked our friends and family to just say "No M. Right now you need to listen to your mom". But, because this friend doesn't feel comfortable with that M screams for her and begs her to come get her any time M's being corrected and my friend's around. And you can bet her need for "correction" goes way up when my friend is visiting. 

This week we tried letting M go to Vacation Bible School. Night 2 she got an adult to give her gum (even though her older brothers told said adult that she never allowed to have gum), she got 3 adults to search all over for a craft she made while she sat crying (believe me when I tell you she does not care about the craft), and suckered about half-a-dozen adults into feeling sorry for her and interrupting while I was correcting her. Again, I can tell you she was angry at me and not at all remorseful, but acting pitiful played much more in her favor. 

I could go on, but let me just suffice to say that if you have a child with serious attachment issues and you're wondering if they might be manipulating you and others, the answer is almost definitely yes. 

Side note: There is no point in trying to tell a stranger that your 20 lb, big brown-eyed, adorable, 2 year old is just playing them. They will just think your crazy. Trust me. 

So, the question is: what do you do about it. 

I think the reason I hate the manipulation so much is that my ability to address it is limited. 

It's frustrating, but the reality is you cannot keep your child from manipulating strangers. You can limit it by wearing your child when you're in public and trying to remove them from the situation when they are getting unhealthy attention. You absolutely have to explain to the people in your child life that he or she is manipulative and ask them to back you up. We know of/have read about RAD kids who convince their teachers that they can't read, who throw away their lunch and say their parents don't feed them, who say their mom and dad are hurting them, etc. The are amazingly convincing. You have to have a very open relationship with the people who are spending the most amount of time with your child so that they can understand what a big issues this is. 

Because RAD is so difficult to explain quickly I usually say something along the lines of "M has RAD which means that she doesn't believe that adults will meet her needs so she's going to test you. If you ask her if she wants a pink crayon or a yellow one she will politely ask for a green one. She does not care about the crayon color she is trying to decide if you mean what you say and that will tell her if she can trust you or not. Assuming you pass the initial test she will up the behaviors a bit. You must be consistent and we must talk about what she's doing/saying." If there is a person in your child's life don't take this seriously, I would caution you against your child spending a lot of time with that person. They will make your child sicker and make your already very difficult job much tougher.
If you have an older child, call them out on their manipulation. If they are doing attention getting behaviors come right out and say, "Do you need my attention right now?" Let them know that you are in contact with their teacher/grandparent/ day care provider and hold them accountable for their actions.
Remember that there is an upside to this (I'm mostly talking to myself here) : An ability to read people and to know what engages them can be a very valuable asset. The key is getting them to use their powers for good and not evil. 

A question for you

I have an opportunity to talk to a group of foster care licensing workers about attachment  next week, and I'm wondering what you all wish they knew? For those of you that are or have been licensed did you tell your worker about concerns? What was their response? What do you wish they would have said/done? 

I feel so blessed and so very overwhelmed to be able to talk to these folks and I don't want to waste the opportunity.

  If you have thoughts on this issue PLEASE share them with me! I would love to be able to go to them and give them practical suggestions on how to help foster parents who are maybe just discovering this or aren't sure what to do once they do realize what their facing. 

Control

The behaviors we see in kids with attachment disorders always comes down to one thing: control. RAD kids have a deep-rooted belief that adults can't or won't take care of them and that they can only depend on themselves to have their needs met. Children with RAD have had this belief confirmed for them (from their limited perspective) at some point in their early life and are acting from that point of view.
While we have seen some huge improvements in M she sometimes still really struggles to give up control. In fact, I have a little "test" I do when I think she's beginning to regress; I tell her that I'm going to pick her outfit for the day. If she can handle that I know we're okay, but if she gets upset I know I better start preparing. Like most things, parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder requires that you parent from a very different perspective. 

When M was first diagnosed we began reading about how to help her and one of the suggestions was that you keep consequences random. We had always thought that it would be best for our children to know what the discipline would be for any given behavior and we had worked hard to be consistent which had worked well for our other children. M never seemed to care about consequences though and certainly didn't seem dissuaded by them. Shortly after learning that RAD kids would benefit from the unknown we changed our approach. The first time M was disciplined for something I told her she was going to have to go sit in her bed. In the past she would have been sent to time-out for the infraction. M threw herself on the ground and started screaming "NO! I go to time-out. I go to time-out." She did not care what that she was getting a consequence- she just wanted control. 

We saw, and sometimes still see, her desire to control. There does not need to be anything to gain other than controlling the situation whether the outcome is good or bad was/is of no concern to her. It's a big issue for kids with attachment disorders and one we have to be very aware of. 

As parents of kids with attachment disorders we need to be vigilant about this. Taking control away is key. It seems odd, but RAD kids need to know that they will survive with someone else in control. RAD kids should not have choices even in the little things at first. It's too much for them to handle. It's also hugely beneficial to have them ask for everything. If they ask to go to the bathroom and have a drink of water it gives you lots of opportunities to say yes and them lots of opportunities to ask to have their needs met.

Our Story

I started this blog for a couple of reasons. Partially, because I'm really passionate about attachment and never really run out of things to say about it. Partially, because I have a dear friend that strongly urged me to do it. And partially, because I have found amazing resources to help parents of kids that struggle with attachment but I find that most of them are geared towards older children. 

I'm by no means an expert. I'm not a professional- anything. I'm just a mom who's really fascinated by the way kids develop and who really wants to help her child be the very best little person she can be. 

My daughter, M came to us at 2 months old as a foster child. She was a cute, chubby little baby with tons of hair. Her first night with us she slept through the night and I was smitten. I'm not saying it was because she was our first foster baby that let me sleep all night, but I'm not saying it wasn't either. 

M had been meth exposed in the womb and had a serious medical condition go poorly treated before she came to us. She seemed unhappy a lot. She was stiff and easily bothered by her environment. She avoided eye contact and wasn't comforted by me as a mother figure. She was our 3rd drug exposed infant and none of these things were particularly alarming. Meth does a number on babies and I attributed her behaviors to sensory issues due to the drug exposure. 

Around 9 months M started raging. She screamed at me. Literally- at me. For hours without stopping. She threw her head into walls, punched, kicked and still didn't seem to identify me as her mom or even as someone who could comfort her. She hated for me to feed her and would refuse a bottle if I was holding her.  At the time I thought it was strange, but visits with her birth family were going very poorly and I believed that was the source of the problems we were seeing (along with the sensory issues). It seemed logical. Visits were very disruptive to her life and her routine and every one of the issues we saw got significantly worse after visits. 

When M was 12 months old her birth mother had another baby that was placed with us. I had a good friend with a premature meth exposed baby and she raved about what a difference "wearing" her baby made. I had learned a bit more about attachment by this point so I committed to wearing M's younger sister, B for a minimum of 8 hours a day. At first I saw all the same symptoms of the exposure in B, but it was getting better so much more quickly. She seemed to find comfort in me holding her, she didn't cry as much, she made more eye contact and her stiffness was not always present. Meanwhile, all of this baby wearing meant that I wasn't holding M as much. I wasn't as engaged since I had 4 other kids including a newborn to care for and we saw M getting worse. 

A year later, when M was 2, we adopted both girls. I was thrilled beyond belief because I loved them as deeply as I loved my biological children and I couldn't imagine my life without them. I was sure that once the adoption went through and we were free to parent the way we felt best, without the constant interruptions that come with foster care, everything would be fine. Of course, M continued to struggle even more. Her rages were much more intense and lasted for hours. The smallest things would trigger her and there seemed to be no way to bring her back. She was harmful to herself and others. She would scratch herself until she bled every night. She threw her head into concrete because she was angry, but her pain tolerance was so high that she didn't seem to notice. She was 2 years old and rarely called me mom except to be superficially charming. She was impulsive far beyond what I had ever seen with other children. Going anywhere with her was terrifying because she would climb in strangers laps and wonder away alone. She never ran to me for comfort when she was hurt or scared and in fact, seemed more angry at me- as though she blamed me. She never displayed any sign of stranger anxiety. In fact, most of the time she didn't seem to notice if I was around or not. It was painstaking to watch and nothing I was trying seemed to help. 

Up until this point, no one else had seen the severe rages, but when M was about 2.5 my husband began working from home. M held herself together for a few days, but that was all she could do. She began raging at my husband as well. Experiencing our daughter's rages versus hearing about them gave him a who new perspective. He began intervening at times, but I didn't want M to get the idea that I couldn't care for her even when she was displaying her worst behavior, so often he would come in and sit with me while I held her, or video tape her so we could review it later, or jump in with the other kids because it really was physically and emotionally exhausting, not to mention time consuming.

All the while, I had been reaching out to try and find help. I had spoken to our pediatrician and a psychologist who tried to assure me that these were all normal behaviors for toddlers. I saw a neurologist who said it was too early to tell but he thought she probably had bipolar. The occupational therapist said that it was all just sensory issues. Friends and family said everything from your boys were just easy and this is just a girl thing, to she needs vitamins, to suggesting I have her tested for autism, or that she just needed diet changes. *

 One day I had it. I went to the library and checked out every book they had relating to parenting difficult children as well as books on every one of the syndromes that had been suggested to me. We also changed her diet and began introducing several different vitamins. Our rule was: If it won't hurt her we'll try it. I became obsessed with reading. All of the books on syndrome had parts that related to M, but nothing that made me think "yeah, that's my kid!" so I kept reading. At the end of every one of the parenting difficult kids books they had a disclaimer of sorts. It always went something like this: If your child does __________ you need to seek further help. Without fail my little girl fit right into that category. But, they never told me who to seek help from or what I was seeking help for exactly. 

Then, one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. My mom had kept M that day and said, "She's always so good for me." She wasn't mocking me, she was sympathizing that kids are often better behaved for other people than they are for their parents which I had experienced with each of my kids.  But, it somehow really bothered me with M- maybe because her behaviors with me were so extreme. Later that I night I remembered something that a mom of a RAD kid had said to me 2 years earlier. She said, "You know a RAD mom because they are the only parents who get upset when people say how well behaved their children are. Every time you hear it you know your kid's shopping around for a new set of parents." I ran to my computer and looked up the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder. It was like reading a list of words that I had written myself to describe my little girl. 

I felt absolute relief. I know that's strange, but that's the truth. It was like a huge weight had been lifted.  Many parents go into denial or they begin to grieve (the grief came later for me), but for me it meant that we finally had a direction. I wasn't just watching my child slip further and further away with no way to stop it. I knew enough about attachment disorders to know that it was going to be a long journey, but at least we knew what we were up against and we could begin immediately helping her. I told my husband, who at first was somewhat skeptical given that she had been with us since she was 2 months old, but once he read about it he was equally convinced. We found a psychologist, started reading a ton of books and reaching out to other parents of RAD kids to get some help. M's reactions to the treatment confirmed for us that she really wasn't attached to us.

 Nearly 2 years later a lot has changed. M shows all the signs of being attached to us. She identifies me as her mom and seeks me out for comfort. She's very good at making eye contact and show genuine sympathy for the people around her.  She no longer rages and while we still deal with most of her other behaviors on a daily basis all of them have gotten markedly better. We still see times of regression, but it never gets as bad as it was to begin with and now we have strategies to help her come back to us when she's struggling. 

I'm really proud of my little girl. She is a fighter. 

*I just want to insert here that I have no anomocity twords and of these people. I truly believe they all cared about my daughter and myself and they were all acting on the information they had. I only bring it up to point out how hard RAD is to diagnose. As well as our responsibility to keep searching for answers when we believe something is wrong regardless of what other people say. 

Implicit memory

In the last few training classes I've taken we talked about implicit memory. Implicit memory (vs. explicit memory) is the unconscious memory. We all have implicit memory from the time we are born (and possibly earlier). It is the part of our memory that is formed when an event triggers strong emotions. For instance, an infant that was bitten by a dog may be terrified of dogs as a child, but not be able to explicitly remember why. It's important for parents of traumatized children to keep this in mind. Sometimes our children are reacting to their implicit memories of being unsafe (for any varieties of reasons). It is completely plausible that children do not know why they behaved a certain way or why they have an unreasonable fear of something. 

Implicit memory is tough to deal with, but his is where I think documentation can be helpful. You may be able to find triggers which can help to identify certain struggles for your little one and possibly avoid them or prepare you child for them. 

We can also use it to our advantage. As a mom who fostered infants I know that while those children will not explicitly remember their time with us, they may have implicit memory of being safe, cared for and loved. 

Here's an extremely informative article that goes into this concept on a much deeper level. 

external regulator

All parents are external regulators for their children, but if your child struggles more than the average kids (whether it be attachment or for some other reason) they are going to need you even more. So what does it mean to be an external regulator? It simply means that you recognize that children's brains are not yet capable of taking in all of the information and making a wise choice based on that information. For instance, with a baby you will recognize that they are tired and cranky and take them home for a nap. With a toddler you may realize that the child they are playing with is too aggressive and that your child does not yet have the tools to handle that situation so you intervene or even remove your child if necessary. External regulation is rooted in understanding your child's needs and their limits and stepping in for them when needed. This role is vital to your child's development and to them learning to trust you. It's a constant reminder to them that you are in control and that you can and will care for them. That does not mean that our children will always appreciate our efforts. You would be hard-pressed to find an eight year old that's going to thank you for giving them a bed time, but this is where we as parents use our logical thinking to override what we may feel emotionally. It's wonderful to have our kids be happy with us, but it is not possible to always have our children's admiration and be acting in their best interest. We must be willing to provide boundaries and guidelines if we want to see our children succeed.
I know, from personal experience, that children with attachment disorders want no part in this. It goes against everything their bodies are telling them is safe and they will fight tooth and nail every step of the way. But, I can also tell you that our RAD kid can now eat in a restaurant (and even gets compliments from other patrons for her self-control), can sit through her brothers' school performances, and can maintain her cool on a play date. (Please note that I said she 'can' do these things, not that she always does.) It wasn't quick or easy but it was absolutely worth it. And, as she is healing more and more we are finding that we need to intervene less and less. To be fair, we still need to intervene for her far more than we do our other children, but it has been so worth the work and I really believe it will continue to improve.
If this is not your strength, you're not alone. It's hard work and requires more patience than seems possible at times. Be prayerful about it and reach out for help and encouragement. We need support in this. Just remember that as hard as it is on us, our kids need us to do this as much as an infant needs to be put down for a nap. It's an active way to show them love.

the importance of play

At the Despair to Hope conference one of the first thing that Ana Gomez spoke about was the importance of play for children. I have been reading Tools of the Mind which shows why children learn best and most through play. It's a similar teaching method to Montessori, but has been proven to teach children self-control and cause and effect thinking by having the children have a "play plan" before they begin. If you're interested in learning more about it I recommend the book Nuture Shock, which I found to be very informative and it has a chapter dedicated to the teaching method. By the way, you don't need to be a teacher or to homeschool to implement the method it can be done with everyday play.

Back to where I began though... Ana spoke about how often children with attachment struggles are hyper-vigilant and show signs of ADHD. (Side note: did you know that at least 9% of school age children in the US are diagnosed with ADHD and less than .5% of French kids are diagnosed. My friend, Joanna sent me a fascinating article about it.) In the US most of the children diagnosed with ADHD are also medicated for it with psycho-stimulants which suppress play. Ana sited a study done on rats where the scientists held the rats back from playing for a time and then allowed them to begin again. Once they were allowed to play the rats played much more aggressively and seemed more frantic than they had before being restrained. The researchers believe that children who are held back from play (in one form or another) would do the same. So, a child on psycho-stimulants might look as though they were even less regulated once they were removed from medication for a time. One of the people attending the conference made a valid point about television and video games being a common play interruption for most children as well.

The same researchers continued with the study by adding the scent of a hare to the rats habitat. They found that the rats didn't play for hours because they were on hyper-allert. It's very common to see the same behavior in children that have not properly attached. They live in a constant state of fear and do not always learn to play properly and often need more intervention than their counterparts.  

So, what do we do with this information? 

I know I touched on this in a previous post, but we need to encourage productive play. Play that requires forethought and imagination is the most helpful so in our house we stick to traditional toys. *I am a huge fan of trains because they encourage kids to use their imagination and logic to build a track. (For some reason trains are typically considered boys toys, but my girls and my nieces all love them so don't rule them out for your girls), Legos and Lincoln Logs are great. Our girls have a doll house that they can play with for hours as well as baby dolls and stuffed animals which allow us to practice being gentle, kind and caring. We were recently gifted a set of magnetic blocks that have been wonderful for small hands because it allows them to build things they might not typically have the dexterity for.  Our kids love to use household things to play too. For instance, taking all the cushions off the couch and building a fort can last all afternoon. Our kids love to take the canned food in our house to create a pretend grocery store, they create their own signs and money and take turns playing in each of the roles. The possibilities are endless, but the key is really to keep our kids engaged in play. It's imperative to their brain development and growth. 

Like most things, you want to consider your child's emotional age and choose toys that are appropriate for that level. Second-hand stores, garage sales and craigslist are great for finding reasonably priced toys. 

If your stuck trying to think of specific way to encourage play for your kiddo please feel free to email me with your child's emotional age and I will track down some suggestions for you. 

*random information of the day: if you are investing in a new train set I would encourage you to avoid the train tables and allow your kids to build on the floor. The reason? Kids will crawl around to make their track and run the trains which allows them to use bi-lateral movements which means both sides of their brain is being engaged. Avoid electrical trains for the same reason. 

Parenting Solutions: creative consequences and solutions for kids under 5

I find that non-traditional consequences for younger children are much more difficult than they are for older children. Little ones need immediate feedback and don't have the logical ability that older kids do. Still, I think there are some options. Most of these are applicable to preschool age kid, but some may work for toddlers too. 

Keeping their space cleaned up:

Toddlers can absolutely clean up after themselves. To make it practical for our kids we have a basket in the family room. Inside the basket are plastic baggies each with a separate activity. We have our kids pick one activity at a time and put it away before they get a new one. 

Around 2 years old our kids become responsible for their own toys. From the time they could crawl they've been helping us clean up the toys in their room so they are perfectly capable of handling it on their own at 2. The key is having a place for everything and having those places accessible for little hands. It's also very important that you don't give your kids more stuff than they can care for themselves. If your kids just pull all their toys off the shelves without playing with anything they are showing you signs that they are overstimulated. We have a large tupperware bucket that toys get switched in and out of. At certain times in our kids lives they could only handle a very small amount of toys. Honor that.  We also have small baskets with toys in rooms they don't go into often (like my office) so that if they are in there the toys are novelties. 

2 side notes about this: Choose your toys carefully. It's much better for kids to have traditional toys (blocks, train tracks, dress up clothes, legos) that allow them to pretend and imagine rather than stuff that lights up and makes sounds. 

If you're like us, and you have a large family that spoils your kids for birthdays and Christmas, ask them to offer your kids experiences instead. A zoo membership, a trip to an indoor play area, passes to the local pool, etc. 

Hitting:

Have them sit on their hands or put them inside their shirt as a physical reminder. Afterwards, have them hug the other child and say something kind about them. 

Costing the family time with poor behavior:

Have the child pay back wasted time. If we are on the way to a fun activity we will have our little one sit out for the first couple of minutes if the behavior happened just before we left. They might have to sit in the front of the grocery cart like a baby instead of walking with the big kids, or they can sit in "time-out" in the car with their hand in their lap and without talking. Side note: their time does not begin until they are calm and in control of their emotions. If the consequence is for 3 minutes but it takes my child 15 minutes to have a good attitude they will sit for 18 minutes. It does them no good to have a discipline if they spend the whole time feeling sorry for themselves and they leave still not in control of their emotions. 

Refusing to eat:

I firmly believe that if you make food an issue, food becomes an issue. You do not want to get into a power struggle with your child over food because it's a battle you cannot win. If your child is not eating well you can do a couple of things to help.

~ First, only put healthy food on your child's plate. Otherwise, your kiddos only going to eat the stuff they like and you're going to start a battle. 

~Second, believe your little one when they say they're done. By trying to force the issue you may be overriding their internal regulations. If one of my kids takes 2 bites of dinner and says they're done, I say "No problem, honey. Breakfast is in the morning." (They are still required to sit at the table with the family though.)

~ Third, if your child is not eating meals do not give snacks. They are not going to starve and you help prevent unhealthy habits, like grazing. 

~Fourth, include them in the shopping and cooking. If they can tell dad that they picked the celery at the store and helped mommy make the salad they are going to be much more likely to eat it. 

~Fifth, make it fun. I once did respite care for a foster child that only ate 3 things- none of them healthy. I decided that for the week he was with us I would not offer any of those foods, but we made everything a game. C was 3 at the time and he was gagging down broccoli, but he kept asking for more because we were pretending that he was a dinosaur eating a tree. The next day he asked me if he could eat more trees. 

~ Last, do not make special meals unless it's medically necessary. You are not a short order cook, your a mom and it's good for your kids to try different things. Plus, it makes it far less awkward when you're at a friends house if you don't have to say my child will only eat mac'n'cheese with carrots. 

Using inappropriate language/being disrespectful:

Have them physically hold their mouth closed.  (Make sure your child knew that the word they used was inappropriate before you give the consequence. If they are just repeating something they heard tell them what the word means and tell them it's not okay to use it again. It's not fair to them to discipline if they didn't know what they did was wrong.) 

Whining:

Make up a whining song. I recommend using the tune to a Barney song or something similar. Any time your kiddo starts whining you start singing. 

for any behaviors

Restitution:

Have them offer something as restitution. They can help mom with a chore, offer another child a beloved toy, allow the other child to pick the next activity. 

Side note: kids learn big words the same way they learn small words- by hearing them in context. All of our kids know what restitution means- even our 2 year old. 

Time in:

 Have your child sit next to you on the floor instead of away from you in another room. Instead of telling our child why they're in time-in we have them sit with us until they are calm and can tell us why they had to sit down. They know they will be sitting for as long as it takes, so this encourages them to start using the logical parts of their brain (rather than their lower brain) to figure out what happened. 

Blanket time:

 We have had great success doing blanket time with our littles. It's meant to prevent issues rather than disciplining for them.  It gives them physical boundaries for themselves and their toys.  They each have a small quilt (crib size) they lay on the family room floor and they each pick an activity from our activity bucket. It really helps when we see that they are overwhelmed and having a hard time with self control. Because they each have their own blanket with their own toys it also helps keep them from fighting. 

Repeat good behavior:

ie. your child throws a toy. You have them practice placing the toy nicely 15 times.

Some things to remember: 

~It's important to discipline with your child's emotional, rather than actual, age in mind. 

~Keep calm. Part of the point of discipline is letting your child know that you are in control. If you seem out of control with your actions or words you will defeat the purpose.

~Don't threaten your kids with discipline. All you do when you make threats is give them a timeline for when they actually need to obey. If you ask them to do something expect them to do it the first time and give the consequence if they don't.  

~Catch your kids doing well. No matter how small the act is, let them know you see them and let them hear you brag about them to your spouse, family and friends.

~Be funny and silly. Sometimes you can instantly defuse a situation by making them laugh. It doesn't mean that your child didn't learn a lesson, you just taught them in a different way.  

If your child sees discipline as an opportunity to wrap you into a power struggle take the power back by 

*Most of these are things I've read about over the years in books and on blogs. Unfortunately, I don't have the references to give them proper credit. 

Do you have anything to add? Disciplines you use or you have seen work for others? Please include them in the comments. I beg you. ;) 

Parenting Solutions: creative consequences for kids over 5

I'm a huge fan of natural consequences because I think kids learn from them faster and the lessons sink in long term.  For example, if your child forgets their school project at home you allow them to loose the 5 points for the project being late rather than running the project to school for them. Or, they waste $20 of allowance on a junky toy. Just think of it as a learning opportunity. Better to waste $20 they worked hard for on a crummy toy than $5000 on a crummy car as an adult. Sometimes though, you can't use natural consequences so in that case I think the next best think is logical consequences meaning the consequence is related to the infraction.  I put together this list of some creative disciplines that I have found helpful. Most of these are ideas I've read about in books or read about on other blogs over the years, but unfortunately I don't have the references to give them credit.

By the way, these are applicable to all children not just those struggling with attachment. 

Aren't keeping their room clean:

Give your child an appropriate amount of time to clean their room. When that time is up take a box in their room and pick up whatever is left. Have your child earn back or pay for each item in the box over time. If it's a continuing problem your child has too much to be responsible for and you need to go through and find things to donate so that your child is capable of caring for their space on an ongoing basis. 

Fighting with siblings:

 ~assume they are bored or don't have anything better to do and give them some chores. 

~have them sit together, holding hands and think of 3 nice things to say about the other person.

Hurting someone/being unkind: 

Have them offer appropriate restitution (ie. do a chore for a sibling, write a letter of encouragement to the other child, serve the other child at a meal, allow the other child to choose the next activity)

Costing the family time with poor behavior:

Have the child pay the time wasted back at an event that is meaningful to them or at bedtime.

Lying:

Have your child write a fictional story and put their "make-believe" to good use. (The story should be well written and neat. Until it is, they are not done.)

Rude at dinner:

Have them eat in another room. On the same note if our kids won't stay in their seat or tip their seat back they loose their seat and stand for the remainder of the meal and of course, clean any mess they make due to being further from their plate. 

Using inappropriate language:

Have them hold their tongue- literally. (Make sure your child knew that the word they used was inappropriate before you give the consequence. If they are just repeating something they heard tell them what the word means and tell them it's not okay to use it again. It's not fair to them to discipline if they didn't know what they did was wrong.) 

Whining:

Make up a whining song. I recommend using the tune to a Barney song or something similar. Any time your kiddo starts whining you start singing. 

Any behaviors:

Have your kiddo read a book that is related to their behavior and write a paper about it. 

 Have them copy sentences. (I usually have my kids identify and copy the family rule they broke.)

Tell them the discipline will come later. Older children can handle and even benefit from a delayed consiquence. Just make sure you don't forget about it. (It's probably best to give the discipline within 24 hours).

Time in:

Kids that are misbehaving should be with you as often as possible. They need you. "Grounding" your child to you can be a wonderful way to help them heal and to work on your bond. And, as an added bonus they can help you while you're unloading the dishwasher, running errands and making dinner.  It will give you plenty of opportunities to talk and enjoy each other. 

Repeat good behavior:

ie. your kiddo slams a door so you have them practice closing it nicely 25 times.

Earn tv/music/electronics:

Instead of taking away time have your child earn it. We use a marble system for this. One marble is worth 5 minutes and they earn them for above and beyond kindness or helpfulness and they each have certain behaviors they are focusing on (things they particularly struggle with) so when I catch them doing well in that area they earn a marble. They also earn them for test scores, projects and homework. 

Some things to remember: 

~It's important to discipline with your child's emotional, rather than actual, age in mind. 

~Keep calm. Part of the point of discipline is letting your child know that you are in control. If you seem out of control with your actions or words you will defeat the purpose.

~Don't threaten your kids with discipline. All you do when you make threats is give them a timeline for when they actually need to obey. If you ask them to do something expect them to do it the first time and give the consequence if they don't.  

~Catch your kids doing well. No matter how small the act is, let them know you see them and let them hear you brag about them to your spouse, family and friends.

~Be funny and silly. Sometimes you can instantly defuse a situation by making them laugh. It doesn't mean that your child didn't learn a lesson, you just taught them in a different way.  As an example, when my older kids are being loud and rude in the store I start dancing. Like, way over the top dancing. Next thing I know they are all standing by the cart giggling and begging me to stop. (I think I've only done this twice because they remind each other by joking, "you better stop or mom's going to start dancing").

If your child sees discipline as an opportunity to wrap you into a power struggle take the power back by allowing them to choose when their consequence will take place. BUT, in the meantime, they have no "privileges". They don't go to friends houses, they don't get any "extras", early bed times, no electronics etc. 

Parenting Solutions: Singing

This weekend at the From Despair to Hope conference I was reminded of something I had completely forgotten about. When M was a baby and toddler she raged almost daily for upwards of 3 hours. That I did not forget.

This is the part I forgot... 

Once, out of desperation to keep my cool, I began singing. And she stopped screaming and fighting. Once I stopped she began again, but if I would keep singing long enough for her to come all the way back to me, it was often enough to make the raging stop completely. After a while, I was sometimes able to identify the signs that she was about to rage and many times we could keep her from raging by singing to her. Ana Gomez, who lead the conference said that singing is one of the best things we can do with our kids. It causes the same hormones in the brain that laughter does and it engages the middle of the brain rather than the lower part of the brain where rages occur.

For the same reasons, it's also a wonderful way to bond and has some of the same benefits that touching does. And, as if that wasn't enough, music is also linked to memory so a song you sing together may trigger memories of happiness, comfort, warmth and love later in life. Which I think is especially cool for foster parents who may not always get to give those things in a physical since. 

I should point out that if I started singing to you it would probably send you into a rage, but that's the beauty of children, they do not care about things like "pitch" and "knowing all the words", so start singing. 

One more note: to help solidify the memory aspect, choose some songs that are a bit more obscure. Maybe some that you remember from your own childhood. 

From Despair to Hope Conference

On Saturday I got to go to the From Despair to Hope conference with speaker, Ana Gomez. It was wonderful and I'm hoping to recap parts of it soon, but it was 6 hours long so it's somewhat daunting to think about putting it into blog format. 

Still, I am working on it and hopefully the first one will be done in the next couple of days. 

Book Recommendation

There are dozens of great book about attachment and I hope to put together a post soon with some recommendations, but I just finished The Anti-Romantic Child and I had to mention it because I found it incredibly encouraging and relatable. I literally just waled by it in the library and threw it in my bag and I'm so thankful I did. The author, Priscilla Gilman, is a professor and has a child with hyperlexia. She writes candidly about her experiences, her concerns, her grief, her need to advocate for and protect her son and the joy she find when she's able to let go of what she thought her child should be like. Although the book is not about attachment in the way most of us experience it, you do see the theme throughout the book. It's not a self-help book so there are not necessarily practical suggestions for you to implement into your daily life, but I still found it to be inspiring and I hope you do to. 

What to do when you don't know what to do...

Kids that struggle with attachment are typically slow to progress- it's just a reality of the situation. They're brains are re-wiring and they are learning how to think in a whole new way. Once they do re-wire they are have to learn how to navigate the world given their new understanding. And there are always regressions. It's the nature of the beast. But, living that out on a day to day basis means you are often dealing with severe, life-infringing, makes-you-want-to-curl-up-in-the-corner-and-hide behavior issues. 

There have been several moment when I've had a near break-downs (and at times full break-downs) when I just didn't know what else to do. All the consequences that had been working(ish) were no longer making any impact at all. At times I have felt that my wheels were spinning (constantly and at lightning speed) but I wasn't moving an inch. It's incredibly disheartening. While I don't have a magical formula, my husband and I do have a few things we do when we just don't know what to do anymore. 

Start over: This is the biggest one for us. We throw out everything we've been doing and start again. We try to draw any connections that might help us to understand why we are seeing the major regression. We brainstorm as if we have never done this before. Thinking about it like it's a new problem helps me to disengage enough to look at it from a new perspective. If you're still stuck do some research, read books, watch you tube videos, find blogs of people who are further along in the process than you are. Do not allow yourself to  take the behaviors personally, look at the facts and try to see the situation in broad terms. 

Don't look at the really big picture: My friend and I once joked that when her husband saw their 6 year old misbehave he saw an opportunity to show grace and patience and when we saw her misbehave we saw a pregnant 16 year old. I really do look at behaviors and instantly see the consequences of that behavior 5, 10, 20, and 50 years down the line which can send me into a total panic. If you're like me, you have to force yourself to stick with the smaller picture. What are your goals for your child in the next 6 months? How will you reach those goals? Don't allow yourself to imagine what will happen 20 years down the line if your child doesn't improve- it's not helpful to either of you.

Make a plan and be willing to change it: During our brainstorming we will come up with 3-4 new approaches* (sometimes they are just old consequences that we've not been using much recently) . Children with attachment disorders thrive on being in control so pulling the rug out from under them is a great way to throw them off of their game. I've also noticed that it tends to reinvigorate me and give me a new passion to start again. And if you find your new plan isn't working try something else.

Take a break: Having dinner with a trusted friend, see a movie, take a nap, go for a hike (if you knew me personally that would make you laugh), take a drive. This is a long, tough journey make sure you're pacing yourself.

Vent: I'm really blessed to have a husband and a close group of friends that rally around me, pray for me, encourage me and check-in on me on a regular basis. I can tell them anything without judgement. They will love me (and my little girl) despite each of our weaknesses which means I can be totally real with them. If you don't feel like you have that kind of support, find a local support group (or start one!).

Ask for help: Be willing to see a professional. Find someone that has some understanding of attachment issues and ask them to help you come up with strategies, ask for book recommendations and reach out to others who have dealt with this before. 

Have one-on-one time with the child in question: It may feel like the opposite of what you want to do, but the more your child pulls away the more you need to pull close. I find that the best thing to do is find an activity that they will enjoy but that require very little intervention and rules so that you won't spend your entire time together correcting them.

 A few suggestions: throw the ball at the park, play a game of tag, read a book cuddled up in bed, go to a children's museum, have a pillow fight, do a puzzle, swim, go to the zoo, sing songs, make dessert together, plant flowers. 

*I can think of a myriad of ways my RAD kid can make any of these activities difficult. Do the one that you think your child will enjoy and the one you think is the least likely to create conflict. Most importantly, surprise your child with it. RAD kids will intentionally ruin these types of interactions if they know they're coming. 

Give yourself a reality check: Recently I was feeling sorry for myself. All 5 of my kids were sick (again!) and I hadn't left the house in days. My youngest wouldn't sleep, my RAD kid was taking full advantage of my business/exhaustion and the others were grumpy and needy. Just when I thought I couldn't take any more I saw an interview where they talked about a culture where women are not allowed to go to the bathroom during the day. 

Sometimes realizing that people in the world are struggling far more than you are gives you some serious perspective. 

Have a glass of wine: When all else fails: Drink. Just kidding. Kind of.

My daughters last regression was long and hard and it really started to get to me. So much so that I actually started having physical reactions to the stress.  I had a short-lived tradition which my boys lovingly refer to as "Mom's 3 B's"- a book, a bath and a beer. It became almost a nightly ritual for me. I needed to relax so that I could get some sleep. Being a night owl by nature I needed some assistance so beer and Melatonin became a staple in my house. 

*I am a big fan of creative parenting and I'm planning on doing a post with suggestions if you are stuck. Being creative with discipline is hard in general but it's very difficult with young children. Hopefully, I can throw out a few ideas and maybe other will offer their suggestions too.