The show Parenthood on NBC is probably my favorite current show, but I have a serious issue with one of their story lines. Last season Julia and Joel adopt a 7 year old (I think?) son, Victor. Before they officially adopted him he was violent, aggressive, angry and nearly impossible to connect with. It was suggested to Julia that it was all because Victor was afraid of rejection and that once they went through with the adoption things would get better. Sure enough, while not every issue was resolved, it did resolve the bulk of them, including the attachment. I realize this is a show with a script, but I have been shocked at how often this same lie is told (and believed!) in the adoption world.
Not long ago, I spoke to a family that is in absolute turmoil because they were feed this exact lie. The child who has already faced so much hurt is no better for the thoughtless and inaccurate information they were given by a child psychologist. I am a huge advocate of foster care and adoption, but we have got to start being more honest about what that road can hold. Parenting is not always rainbows and butterflies and when you're talking about a child that has been traumatized it's going to be that much tougher. It's worth it, without a doubt. But it's not fair to the families or to the children that are coming into these homes to make them think that there is an easy solution. It takes time and it takes sacrificial love to help kids feel safe, cared for and attached.
As a general rule, the longer the child faced trauma the longer that process is going to take. But for the love of Pete, please do not buy into the idea that a hurting child is suddenly healed by knowing they are loved. That logic is no different than a man telling a woman who had been assaulted that everything is going to be fine because he loves her and is never going to hurt her and then expecting her to just accept that and move on. It's ridiculous at best.
