external regulator

All parents are external regulators for their children, but if your child struggles more than the average kids (whether it be attachment or for some other reason) they are going to need you even more. So what does it mean to be an external regulator? It simply means that you recognize that children's brains are not yet capable of taking in all of the information and making a wise choice based on that information. For instance, with a baby you will recognize that they are tired and cranky and take them home for a nap. With a toddler you may realize that the child they are playing with is too aggressive and that your child does not yet have the tools to handle that situation so you intervene or even remove your child if necessary. External regulation is rooted in understanding your child's needs and their limits and stepping in for them when needed. This role is vital to your child's development and to them learning to trust you. It's a constant reminder to them that you are in control and that you can and will care for them. That does not mean that our children will always appreciate our efforts. You would be hard-pressed to find an eight year old that's going to thank you for giving them a bed time, but this is where we as parents use our logical thinking to override what we may feel emotionally. It's wonderful to have our kids be happy with us, but it is not possible to always have our children's admiration and be acting in their best interest. We must be willing to provide boundaries and guidelines if we want to see our children succeed.
I know, from personal experience, that children with attachment disorders want no part in this. It goes against everything their bodies are telling them is safe and they will fight tooth and nail every step of the way. But, I can also tell you that our RAD kid can now eat in a restaurant (and even gets compliments from other patrons for her self-control), can sit through her brothers' school performances, and can maintain her cool on a play date. (Please note that I said she 'can' do these things, not that she always does.) It wasn't quick or easy but it was absolutely worth it. And, as she is healing more and more we are finding that we need to intervene less and less. To be fair, we still need to intervene for her far more than we do our other children, but it has been so worth the work and I really believe it will continue to improve.
If this is not your strength, you're not alone. It's hard work and requires more patience than seems possible at times. Be prayerful about it and reach out for help and encouragement. We need support in this. Just remember that as hard as it is on us, our kids need us to do this as much as an infant needs to be put down for a nap. It's an active way to show them love.

the importance of play

At the Despair to Hope conference one of the first thing that Ana Gomez spoke about was the importance of play for children. I have been reading Tools of the Mind which shows why children learn best and most through play. It's a similar teaching method to Montessori, but has been proven to teach children self-control and cause and effect thinking by having the children have a "play plan" before they begin. If you're interested in learning more about it I recommend the book Nuture Shock, which I found to be very informative and it has a chapter dedicated to the teaching method. By the way, you don't need to be a teacher or to homeschool to implement the method it can be done with everyday play.

Back to where I began though... Ana spoke about how often children with attachment struggles are hyper-vigilant and show signs of ADHD. (Side note: did you know that at least 9% of school age children in the US are diagnosed with ADHD and less than .5% of French kids are diagnosed. My friend, Joanna sent me a fascinating article about it.) In the US most of the children diagnosed with ADHD are also medicated for it with psycho-stimulants which suppress play. Ana sited a study done on rats where the scientists held the rats back from playing for a time and then allowed them to begin again. Once they were allowed to play the rats played much more aggressively and seemed more frantic than they had before being restrained. The researchers believe that children who are held back from play (in one form or another) would do the same. So, a child on psycho-stimulants might look as though they were even less regulated once they were removed from medication for a time. One of the people attending the conference made a valid point about television and video games being a common play interruption for most children as well.

The same researchers continued with the study by adding the scent of a hare to the rats habitat. They found that the rats didn't play for hours because they were on hyper-allert. It's very common to see the same behavior in children that have not properly attached. They live in a constant state of fear and do not always learn to play properly and often need more intervention than their counterparts.  

So, what do we do with this information? 

I know I touched on this in a previous post, but we need to encourage productive play. Play that requires forethought and imagination is the most helpful so in our house we stick to traditional toys. *I am a huge fan of trains because they encourage kids to use their imagination and logic to build a track. (For some reason trains are typically considered boys toys, but my girls and my nieces all love them so don't rule them out for your girls), Legos and Lincoln Logs are great. Our girls have a doll house that they can play with for hours as well as baby dolls and stuffed animals which allow us to practice being gentle, kind and caring. We were recently gifted a set of magnetic blocks that have been wonderful for small hands because it allows them to build things they might not typically have the dexterity for.  Our kids love to use household things to play too. For instance, taking all the cushions off the couch and building a fort can last all afternoon. Our kids love to take the canned food in our house to create a pretend grocery store, they create their own signs and money and take turns playing in each of the roles. The possibilities are endless, but the key is really to keep our kids engaged in play. It's imperative to their brain development and growth. 

Like most things, you want to consider your child's emotional age and choose toys that are appropriate for that level. Second-hand stores, garage sales and craigslist are great for finding reasonably priced toys. 

If your stuck trying to think of specific way to encourage play for your kiddo please feel free to email me with your child's emotional age and I will track down some suggestions for you. 

*random information of the day: if you are investing in a new train set I would encourage you to avoid the train tables and allow your kids to build on the floor. The reason? Kids will crawl around to make their track and run the trains which allows them to use bi-lateral movements which means both sides of their brain is being engaged. Avoid electrical trains for the same reason. 

Parenting Solutions: creative consequences and solutions for kids under 5

I find that non-traditional consequences for younger children are much more difficult than they are for older children. Little ones need immediate feedback and don't have the logical ability that older kids do. Still, I think there are some options. Most of these are applicable to preschool age kid, but some may work for toddlers too. 

Keeping their space cleaned up:

Toddlers can absolutely clean up after themselves. To make it practical for our kids we have a basket in the family room. Inside the basket are plastic baggies each with a separate activity. We have our kids pick one activity at a time and put it away before they get a new one. 

Around 2 years old our kids become responsible for their own toys. From the time they could crawl they've been helping us clean up the toys in their room so they are perfectly capable of handling it on their own at 2. The key is having a place for everything and having those places accessible for little hands. It's also very important that you don't give your kids more stuff than they can care for themselves. If your kids just pull all their toys off the shelves without playing with anything they are showing you signs that they are overstimulated. We have a large tupperware bucket that toys get switched in and out of. At certain times in our kids lives they could only handle a very small amount of toys. Honor that.  We also have small baskets with toys in rooms they don't go into often (like my office) so that if they are in there the toys are novelties. 

2 side notes about this: Choose your toys carefully. It's much better for kids to have traditional toys (blocks, train tracks, dress up clothes, legos) that allow them to pretend and imagine rather than stuff that lights up and makes sounds. 

If you're like us, and you have a large family that spoils your kids for birthdays and Christmas, ask them to offer your kids experiences instead. A zoo membership, a trip to an indoor play area, passes to the local pool, etc. 

Hitting:

Have them sit on their hands or put them inside their shirt as a physical reminder. Afterwards, have them hug the other child and say something kind about them. 

Costing the family time with poor behavior:

Have the child pay back wasted time. If we are on the way to a fun activity we will have our little one sit out for the first couple of minutes if the behavior happened just before we left. They might have to sit in the front of the grocery cart like a baby instead of walking with the big kids, or they can sit in "time-out" in the car with their hand in their lap and without talking. Side note: their time does not begin until they are calm and in control of their emotions. If the consequence is for 3 minutes but it takes my child 15 minutes to have a good attitude they will sit for 18 minutes. It does them no good to have a discipline if they spend the whole time feeling sorry for themselves and they leave still not in control of their emotions. 

Refusing to eat:

I firmly believe that if you make food an issue, food becomes an issue. You do not want to get into a power struggle with your child over food because it's a battle you cannot win. If your child is not eating well you can do a couple of things to help.

~ First, only put healthy food on your child's plate. Otherwise, your kiddos only going to eat the stuff they like and you're going to start a battle. 

~Second, believe your little one when they say they're done. By trying to force the issue you may be overriding their internal regulations. If one of my kids takes 2 bites of dinner and says they're done, I say "No problem, honey. Breakfast is in the morning." (They are still required to sit at the table with the family though.)

~ Third, if your child is not eating meals do not give snacks. They are not going to starve and you help prevent unhealthy habits, like grazing. 

~Fourth, include them in the shopping and cooking. If they can tell dad that they picked the celery at the store and helped mommy make the salad they are going to be much more likely to eat it. 

~Fifth, make it fun. I once did respite care for a foster child that only ate 3 things- none of them healthy. I decided that for the week he was with us I would not offer any of those foods, but we made everything a game. C was 3 at the time and he was gagging down broccoli, but he kept asking for more because we were pretending that he was a dinosaur eating a tree. The next day he asked me if he could eat more trees. 

~ Last, do not make special meals unless it's medically necessary. You are not a short order cook, your a mom and it's good for your kids to try different things. Plus, it makes it far less awkward when you're at a friends house if you don't have to say my child will only eat mac'n'cheese with carrots. 

Using inappropriate language/being disrespectful:

Have them physically hold their mouth closed.  (Make sure your child knew that the word they used was inappropriate before you give the consequence. If they are just repeating something they heard tell them what the word means and tell them it's not okay to use it again. It's not fair to them to discipline if they didn't know what they did was wrong.) 

Whining:

Make up a whining song. I recommend using the tune to a Barney song or something similar. Any time your kiddo starts whining you start singing. 

for any behaviors

Restitution:

Have them offer something as restitution. They can help mom with a chore, offer another child a beloved toy, allow the other child to pick the next activity. 

Side note: kids learn big words the same way they learn small words- by hearing them in context. All of our kids know what restitution means- even our 2 year old. 

Time in:

 Have your child sit next to you on the floor instead of away from you in another room. Instead of telling our child why they're in time-in we have them sit with us until they are calm and can tell us why they had to sit down. They know they will be sitting for as long as it takes, so this encourages them to start using the logical parts of their brain (rather than their lower brain) to figure out what happened. 

Blanket time:

 We have had great success doing blanket time with our littles. It's meant to prevent issues rather than disciplining for them.  It gives them physical boundaries for themselves and their toys.  They each have a small quilt (crib size) they lay on the family room floor and they each pick an activity from our activity bucket. It really helps when we see that they are overwhelmed and having a hard time with self control. Because they each have their own blanket with their own toys it also helps keep them from fighting. 

Repeat good behavior:

ie. your child throws a toy. You have them practice placing the toy nicely 15 times.

Some things to remember: 

~It's important to discipline with your child's emotional, rather than actual, age in mind. 

~Keep calm. Part of the point of discipline is letting your child know that you are in control. If you seem out of control with your actions or words you will defeat the purpose.

~Don't threaten your kids with discipline. All you do when you make threats is give them a timeline for when they actually need to obey. If you ask them to do something expect them to do it the first time and give the consequence if they don't.  

~Catch your kids doing well. No matter how small the act is, let them know you see them and let them hear you brag about them to your spouse, family and friends.

~Be funny and silly. Sometimes you can instantly defuse a situation by making them laugh. It doesn't mean that your child didn't learn a lesson, you just taught them in a different way.  

If your child sees discipline as an opportunity to wrap you into a power struggle take the power back by 

*Most of these are things I've read about over the years in books and on blogs. Unfortunately, I don't have the references to give them proper credit. 

Do you have anything to add? Disciplines you use or you have seen work for others? Please include them in the comments. I beg you. ;) 

Parenting Solutions: creative consequences for kids over 5

I'm a huge fan of natural consequences because I think kids learn from them faster and the lessons sink in long term.  For example, if your child forgets their school project at home you allow them to loose the 5 points for the project being late rather than running the project to school for them. Or, they waste $20 of allowance on a junky toy. Just think of it as a learning opportunity. Better to waste $20 they worked hard for on a crummy toy than $5000 on a crummy car as an adult. Sometimes though, you can't use natural consequences so in that case I think the next best think is logical consequences meaning the consequence is related to the infraction.  I put together this list of some creative disciplines that I have found helpful. Most of these are ideas I've read about in books or read about on other blogs over the years, but unfortunately I don't have the references to give them credit.

By the way, these are applicable to all children not just those struggling with attachment. 

Aren't keeping their room clean:

Give your child an appropriate amount of time to clean their room. When that time is up take a box in their room and pick up whatever is left. Have your child earn back or pay for each item in the box over time. If it's a continuing problem your child has too much to be responsible for and you need to go through and find things to donate so that your child is capable of caring for their space on an ongoing basis. 

Fighting with siblings:

 ~assume they are bored or don't have anything better to do and give them some chores. 

~have them sit together, holding hands and think of 3 nice things to say about the other person.

Hurting someone/being unkind: 

Have them offer appropriate restitution (ie. do a chore for a sibling, write a letter of encouragement to the other child, serve the other child at a meal, allow the other child to choose the next activity)

Costing the family time with poor behavior:

Have the child pay the time wasted back at an event that is meaningful to them or at bedtime.

Lying:

Have your child write a fictional story and put their "make-believe" to good use. (The story should be well written and neat. Until it is, they are not done.)

Rude at dinner:

Have them eat in another room. On the same note if our kids won't stay in their seat or tip their seat back they loose their seat and stand for the remainder of the meal and of course, clean any mess they make due to being further from their plate. 

Using inappropriate language:

Have them hold their tongue- literally. (Make sure your child knew that the word they used was inappropriate before you give the consequence. If they are just repeating something they heard tell them what the word means and tell them it's not okay to use it again. It's not fair to them to discipline if they didn't know what they did was wrong.) 

Whining:

Make up a whining song. I recommend using the tune to a Barney song or something similar. Any time your kiddo starts whining you start singing. 

Any behaviors:

Have your kiddo read a book that is related to their behavior and write a paper about it. 

 Have them copy sentences. (I usually have my kids identify and copy the family rule they broke.)

Tell them the discipline will come later. Older children can handle and even benefit from a delayed consiquence. Just make sure you don't forget about it. (It's probably best to give the discipline within 24 hours).

Time in:

Kids that are misbehaving should be with you as often as possible. They need you. "Grounding" your child to you can be a wonderful way to help them heal and to work on your bond. And, as an added bonus they can help you while you're unloading the dishwasher, running errands and making dinner.  It will give you plenty of opportunities to talk and enjoy each other. 

Repeat good behavior:

ie. your kiddo slams a door so you have them practice closing it nicely 25 times.

Earn tv/music/electronics:

Instead of taking away time have your child earn it. We use a marble system for this. One marble is worth 5 minutes and they earn them for above and beyond kindness or helpfulness and they each have certain behaviors they are focusing on (things they particularly struggle with) so when I catch them doing well in that area they earn a marble. They also earn them for test scores, projects and homework. 

Some things to remember: 

~It's important to discipline with your child's emotional, rather than actual, age in mind. 

~Keep calm. Part of the point of discipline is letting your child know that you are in control. If you seem out of control with your actions or words you will defeat the purpose.

~Don't threaten your kids with discipline. All you do when you make threats is give them a timeline for when they actually need to obey. If you ask them to do something expect them to do it the first time and give the consequence if they don't.  

~Catch your kids doing well. No matter how small the act is, let them know you see them and let them hear you brag about them to your spouse, family and friends.

~Be funny and silly. Sometimes you can instantly defuse a situation by making them laugh. It doesn't mean that your child didn't learn a lesson, you just taught them in a different way.  As an example, when my older kids are being loud and rude in the store I start dancing. Like, way over the top dancing. Next thing I know they are all standing by the cart giggling and begging me to stop. (I think I've only done this twice because they remind each other by joking, "you better stop or mom's going to start dancing").

If your child sees discipline as an opportunity to wrap you into a power struggle take the power back by allowing them to choose when their consequence will take place. BUT, in the meantime, they have no "privileges". They don't go to friends houses, they don't get any "extras", early bed times, no electronics etc. 

Parenting Solutions: Singing

This weekend at the From Despair to Hope conference I was reminded of something I had completely forgotten about. When M was a baby and toddler she raged almost daily for upwards of 3 hours. That I did not forget.

This is the part I forgot... 

Once, out of desperation to keep my cool, I began singing. And she stopped screaming and fighting. Once I stopped she began again, but if I would keep singing long enough for her to come all the way back to me, it was often enough to make the raging stop completely. After a while, I was sometimes able to identify the signs that she was about to rage and many times we could keep her from raging by singing to her. Ana Gomez, who lead the conference said that singing is one of the best things we can do with our kids. It causes the same hormones in the brain that laughter does and it engages the middle of the brain rather than the lower part of the brain where rages occur.

For the same reasons, it's also a wonderful way to bond and has some of the same benefits that touching does. And, as if that wasn't enough, music is also linked to memory so a song you sing together may trigger memories of happiness, comfort, warmth and love later in life. Which I think is especially cool for foster parents who may not always get to give those things in a physical since. 

I should point out that if I started singing to you it would probably send you into a rage, but that's the beauty of children, they do not care about things like "pitch" and "knowing all the words", so start singing. 

One more note: to help solidify the memory aspect, choose some songs that are a bit more obscure. Maybe some that you remember from your own childhood. 

From Despair to Hope Conference

On Saturday I got to go to the From Despair to Hope conference with speaker, Ana Gomez. It was wonderful and I'm hoping to recap parts of it soon, but it was 6 hours long so it's somewhat daunting to think about putting it into blog format. 

Still, I am working on it and hopefully the first one will be done in the next couple of days. 

Book Recommendation

There are dozens of great book about attachment and I hope to put together a post soon with some recommendations, but I just finished The Anti-Romantic Child and I had to mention it because I found it incredibly encouraging and relatable. I literally just waled by it in the library and threw it in my bag and I'm so thankful I did. The author, Priscilla Gilman, is a professor and has a child with hyperlexia. She writes candidly about her experiences, her concerns, her grief, her need to advocate for and protect her son and the joy she find when she's able to let go of what she thought her child should be like. Although the book is not about attachment in the way most of us experience it, you do see the theme throughout the book. It's not a self-help book so there are not necessarily practical suggestions for you to implement into your daily life, but I still found it to be inspiring and I hope you do to. 

What to do when you don't know what to do...

Kids that struggle with attachment are typically slow to progress- it's just a reality of the situation. They're brains are re-wiring and they are learning how to think in a whole new way. Once they do re-wire they are have to learn how to navigate the world given their new understanding. And there are always regressions. It's the nature of the beast. But, living that out on a day to day basis means you are often dealing with severe, life-infringing, makes-you-want-to-curl-up-in-the-corner-and-hide behavior issues. 

There have been several moment when I've had a near break-downs (and at times full break-downs) when I just didn't know what else to do. All the consequences that had been working(ish) were no longer making any impact at all. At times I have felt that my wheels were spinning (constantly and at lightning speed) but I wasn't moving an inch. It's incredibly disheartening. While I don't have a magical formula, my husband and I do have a few things we do when we just don't know what to do anymore. 

Start over: This is the biggest one for us. We throw out everything we've been doing and start again. We try to draw any connections that might help us to understand why we are seeing the major regression. We brainstorm as if we have never done this before. Thinking about it like it's a new problem helps me to disengage enough to look at it from a new perspective. If you're still stuck do some research, read books, watch you tube videos, find blogs of people who are further along in the process than you are. Do not allow yourself to  take the behaviors personally, look at the facts and try to see the situation in broad terms. 

Don't look at the really big picture: My friend and I once joked that when her husband saw their 6 year old misbehave he saw an opportunity to show grace and patience and when we saw her misbehave we saw a pregnant 16 year old. I really do look at behaviors and instantly see the consequences of that behavior 5, 10, 20, and 50 years down the line which can send me into a total panic. If you're like me, you have to force yourself to stick with the smaller picture. What are your goals for your child in the next 6 months? How will you reach those goals? Don't allow yourself to imagine what will happen 20 years down the line if your child doesn't improve- it's not helpful to either of you.

Make a plan and be willing to change it: During our brainstorming we will come up with 3-4 new approaches* (sometimes they are just old consequences that we've not been using much recently) . Children with attachment disorders thrive on being in control so pulling the rug out from under them is a great way to throw them off of their game. I've also noticed that it tends to reinvigorate me and give me a new passion to start again. And if you find your new plan isn't working try something else.

Take a break: Having dinner with a trusted friend, see a movie, take a nap, go for a hike (if you knew me personally that would make you laugh), take a drive. This is a long, tough journey make sure you're pacing yourself.

Vent: I'm really blessed to have a husband and a close group of friends that rally around me, pray for me, encourage me and check-in on me on a regular basis. I can tell them anything without judgement. They will love me (and my little girl) despite each of our weaknesses which means I can be totally real with them. If you don't feel like you have that kind of support, find a local support group (or start one!).

Ask for help: Be willing to see a professional. Find someone that has some understanding of attachment issues and ask them to help you come up with strategies, ask for book recommendations and reach out to others who have dealt with this before. 

Have one-on-one time with the child in question: It may feel like the opposite of what you want to do, but the more your child pulls away the more you need to pull close. I find that the best thing to do is find an activity that they will enjoy but that require very little intervention and rules so that you won't spend your entire time together correcting them.

 A few suggestions: throw the ball at the park, play a game of tag, read a book cuddled up in bed, go to a children's museum, have a pillow fight, do a puzzle, swim, go to the zoo, sing songs, make dessert together, plant flowers. 

*I can think of a myriad of ways my RAD kid can make any of these activities difficult. Do the one that you think your child will enjoy and the one you think is the least likely to create conflict. Most importantly, surprise your child with it. RAD kids will intentionally ruin these types of interactions if they know they're coming. 

Give yourself a reality check: Recently I was feeling sorry for myself. All 5 of my kids were sick (again!) and I hadn't left the house in days. My youngest wouldn't sleep, my RAD kid was taking full advantage of my business/exhaustion and the others were grumpy and needy. Just when I thought I couldn't take any more I saw an interview where they talked about a culture where women are not allowed to go to the bathroom during the day. 

Sometimes realizing that people in the world are struggling far more than you are gives you some serious perspective. 

Have a glass of wine: When all else fails: Drink. Just kidding. Kind of.

My daughters last regression was long and hard and it really started to get to me. So much so that I actually started having physical reactions to the stress.  I had a short-lived tradition which my boys lovingly refer to as "Mom's 3 B's"- a book, a bath and a beer. It became almost a nightly ritual for me. I needed to relax so that I could get some sleep. Being a night owl by nature I needed some assistance so beer and Melatonin became a staple in my house. 

*I am a big fan of creative parenting and I'm planning on doing a post with suggestions if you are stuck. Being creative with discipline is hard in general but it's very difficult with young children. Hopefully, I can throw out a few ideas and maybe other will offer their suggestions too. 

Baby Wearing

I am a big believer in baby wearing, but I wasn't always. I think it's a wonderful thing for any children, but it offers even more benefits to children who are at the greatest risk of struggling with attachment.  I asked my dearest friend and personal cheerleader, Joanna to share some of her knowledge with you on the benefits of baby wearing along with some suggestions for specific carriers if you need some help getting started. 

Hi, I'm Joanna and I blog at Modest Momma Fashion as a fun outlet for myself when I am not busy playing, spending time and growing with my three girls. My experience with attachment is not anywhere near as extensive as others, and am only recently beginning to explore attachment in our family. Laura's blog has been a huge encouragement and resource for our family as we navigate some new and often tricky waters.

When Laura asked me to blog on baby wearing, I laughed out loud. I responded to her that I was definitely not an expert in the art of baby wearing, regardless of how many I've tried. I certainly am not qualified to broach the topic of baby wearing with a child with attachment issues, but I don't mind sharing what I do know.

Baby wearing was not a 'thing' when my oldest daughter was born in 2004. I'm sure there were some groups of women who wore their children, but no one I knew ever considered it as a real, tangible, practical or even beneficial thing to do as mothers. In fact, the moms I did know who 'baby wore' mostly had carriers that were meant mostly for outdoors events like hiking or camping and were not of much use on the day-to-day. I never even questioned using a car seat and stroller for my little one- it was accepted and a well-used method of transport for babies (and I still believe they are).

Fast forward six years, my husband and I were expecting another little girl. It seemed like the whole climate of parenting had shifted from what was once accepted to what was current: everything was about breastfeeding, baby food making, baby wearing and co-sleeping. Baby wearing was interesting to me, but also extremely intimidating. In my mind, only mothers in Asia and Africa wore their little papooses at home and while out and about. What qualified me- a 'modern,' contemporary mom living in the US- to wear a baby? I was extremely trepidatious about it, to say the least.

A friend sent me a sling-type carrier to try when our daughter was born, and while I felt comfortable with her in it at home, but I was terrified out of my mind to wear her out publicly. I thought perhaps it was the type of sling that was inhibiting me from wearing her more often, so I tried a number of other slings and carriers.

Months passed and I felt like no matter what I tried, nothing fit us well. I felt very discouraged as it seemed like all the other moms I knew were natural kangaroos with their babies and there was something wrong with me that I couldn't do it, too. I learned that while baby wearing is certainly natural and a wonderful bonding experience, it can also be difficult.

Experts on attachment say that there are so many wonderful benefits for baby wearing, and that it is the optimum environment for all children: there is immediate closeness, security and comfort. It makes sense- babies can hear, smell, touch their moms/caregivers and are triggering all kinds of sensory neurons. Children who are worn also socialize earlier and are generally happier children. Research also says that baby wearing is beneficial for mothers who are at risk of postpartum depression, other psychological issues and low milk supply. Additionally, children who are worn are known to have higher developmental rates and less risk of SIDS.

Still, it can be hard and definitely requires a period of adjustment, and possibly trying different wearing options. No one carrier is one-size fits all. In fact, that may be the biggest blessing about narrowing down a carrier: there are literally hundreds to choose from. Carriers and slings come in all different fabrics, styles, sizes and shapes. If I could encourage anyone in the art of baby wearing who may be struggling, I would suggest trying many options. I realize this can sometimes be costly, but with sites like Craigslist and secondhand retailers in most cities, moms can try out a few to determine what works best for their baby without making a huge investment.

I finally came across a baby carrier that was well-suited for my little one and I. It was a soft-structured carrier that felt secure for me and safe for my baby. At this time, she was almost a year old, but I was determined to have the baby wearing experience I had only read about. I wanted all the benefits for her that I felt I had missed out on and eventually felt like we were having it.

Since our second, we have had the added blessing of a third daughter and again, baby wearing was my dream. This time, having a toddler running around made baby wearing a necessity as well as a benefit. I could not have gotten through our newborn's early weeks and months without having a carrier I could place her in and still manage my older daughters.

Lastly, because our baby wearing experience hadn't gone as planned in the beginning, I tried to make time for skin to skin baby wearing when I could. I wanted to enhance the bonding and get as close to my girls as I could. If you can, I would also suggest trying some direct contact as much as possible.

Thanks for reading! I hope this was at least a little helpful! For a full list of the carriers I've tried, please read this.

You don't need to be a professional...

One thing you will hear over and over as a foster parent is "I could never do it. I couldn't stand to let those kids go." Here's what you know if you are a foster parent: No one is endowed with a special gift to love a child, to care for them, to advocate for them and to merrily wave as they go. As a foster parent you go in knowing that your heart will probably be broken. But you also realize that your heart has the capacity to heal in a way that a child's does not. So, you trade your heartbreak for theirs.  Even if you know it's coming and you know that you signed up for a temporary role it still hurts like crazy when they're gone.  I can tell you the names, birthdays and details of every child that has been in our home even if they were just here for respite care. I loved them all. Instantly. I still think of them all and pray for each of them frequently. 

In the same way there are no people who are specially wired to be a foster parent, there are not parents specially wired to care for kids with attachment disorders. It's painful at times and it's often difficult, but you don't need to be a professional. You don't need a PhD in psychology, or neurology. You don't need to be a behavior therapist or have some special gift to reach these kids. They need you. They need a parent who is willing to learn, to ask questions, willing to admit when they are wrong. They need someone who will advocate for them and who will love them when they are trying their hardest to be unlovable. 

When you are in the darkest moments and you don't know how much more you can take, and you don't feel like your endless giving is making any difference at all, remember this: You are the one God choose for that child. I have been guilty of thinking that someone else might have been better suited for the task. I have wondered if it was selfish to adopt. Maybe M would have been better off with someone with no other children. Maybe another foster mom wouldn't have missed the signs and would have intervened earlier. Maybe someone out there knows of better strategies than the ones I've been trying. But, as a dear friend reminded me, I am the one God chose. It is my job to love her self-sacrificially, to fight for her, to care for her, to discipline her, to learn all I can and seek out resources to help when I'm at a loss. The rest is in God's hands. I am responsible for my actions. Not the outcome.

Parenting Solutions: Color Therapy

The colors we are surrounded by impact us psychologically and should be taken into consideration when we're decorating our kids rooms, dressing them and even ourselves. Kids with attachment disorders or who have been drug exposed usually have sensory issues and can be more impacted by their environment than their peers.

Here are some things to consider when you're thinking about colors. 

red and orange: very stimulating, increase impulsive behavior and encourages you to eat more 

yellow: in small amounts can be comforting but causes anxiety in large amounts

light pink: soothing and nurturing 

light blue: relaxing, calming

green: soothing, rejuvenating

violet: calming, suppresses appetite 

light gray: soothing

foster care terms and acronyms

I thought I'd throw together a list for all of my licensing and newly licensed friends. If you see some I've forgotten please post them in the comments. 

Resource Parent: That's you! It's just the technical name for a foster parent. 

Office of Licensing, Certification and Renewals (OLCR): This is the state agency that approves your license, modifies it if necessary and approves your yearly renewal. 

Emergency Receiving List (ERL): The list you go on when you are ready to take a placement. 

Placement Agency: The agency you are licensed with. Typically, they act as a go-between for the foster parent and the case worker to get a child placed. They also offer support for the foster family and will check in (usually monthly) with the foster family once they have a placement.

Licensing Worker (LW): The person assigned to you by your agency.

Child Protective Services (CPS): The state agency that removes children and offers services to try to reunify families. 

Case Worker (CW): The CPS worker that is assigned to your childs' case. 

Case Aide: Assistance to the CW. They are usually the ones that supervise visits between the child(ren) and the birth parents. 

Parent Aide: Used in cases where the CW believes the parents need more intervention than a case aide can provide. Typically, the birth parents meet with and report to the parent aide in addition to the CW and the parent aide supervises visits while they are on the case.

Case Plan: The plan for the child(ren). It always begins as reunification. After a period of time it will change to a concurrent plan if the parents have not made adequate progress. A concurrent plan means the state should start preparing a back-up plan in case the child goes to severance. Severance is when the judge legally removes the rights of the birth family. 

Dependency Hearing: The hearing where a judge makes a child(ren) legal wards of the sate.   This hearing often takes place a couple of days after a child has already been removed since they are often removed in an emergency situation. 

Notice of Hearings: As a foster parent you have a legal right to attend the hearings. If you cannot attend in person you can also call in and listen to the hearing. 

Department of Health Services (DHS): They will help you get medical care and therapy services. 

Department of Developmental Disabilities (DDD): The department under the umbrella of DHS that provides therapies.  

Foster Care Review Board (FCRB): A group of volunteers from the community that review a case to make sure that children are getting services they need and to hold CPS accountable in making sure the case plan is moving forward. The meetings are held every 6 months and is one of the best ways for foster parents to have their voice heard. You have the option to call into these meetings as well. The FCRB will send their recommendation to the judge (which you will get a copy of a couple of weeks after the FCRB).  

Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA): A volunteer that is assigned specifically to your case. With older children they will typically spend time with the child and they make recommendations to the court as to what they believe is in the child's best interest. Not all cases have CASA's. They are assigned by a judge but can be requested by the foster parent.

Guardian at Litem (GAL): The lawyer assigned to your child. They are the children's voice in the court room. It is their job to advocate for what's in the child's best interest. 

Individual Education Plan (IEP): For kiddos who need some extra assistance in school. 

Therapeutic Foster Home (aka DDD certified): Foster parents who have had extra training (and usually experience as a foster parent) who take in kids that have higher medical or behavioral needs. 

Document

If you're not documenting your child's behaviors now is the time to start. It can help to see if there are patterns, it's very helpful if you need further intervention from a professional and it's great to be able to look back and see how far you've come.  Sometimes progress is slow and being able to go back will encourage you that you really are moving forward. 

There are plenty of effective ways to keep track so just pick a way you think you are most likely to stick with. It tends to be better if you stick to factual things, keep your notes short so that you don't put off writing them out, and keep them together so that you don't have to go searching to find old notes. If you benefit from writing out your emotions I would suggest keeping a separate diary for that. 

Age vs. Maturity

Often, children who have faced trauma have an emotional age that is separate from their physical age. I had a premie baby and in that community they call it an "adjusted age". If you have a baby that was born at 32 weeks and is 3 months old you say they're 3 months old with an adjusted age of 1 month. You gauge their development on their adjusted age. It would be unfair to compare them to children that had been born 3 months ago after having 40 weeks in gestation. I've always thought that we should have a similar way of addressing traumatized children. 

Asking a 7 year old who is emotionally at a 3 year old level to verbalize their emotions will probably not work. They are going to need the same assistance you would offer a 3 year old. If you're not sure where your child is at start paying attention to how they handle stress, frustration, anger, embarrassment, etc. and make a guess as to what age you think they're functioning at. It can be extremely difficult if you have a 5 year old that still throws themselves on the ground and won't use the bathroom at night, but if you start to think of and address your kiddo as a 2 year old you will be meeting their emotional needs and your  will probably be much more effective in dealing with their behaviors. 

The good news is that kids adjust out of emotional ages much more quickly than they physically age. And most of the time they are emotionally immature in specific ways so it won't be true across the board. Just remember to show them the same grace and patience you would show them if their physical age matched their emotional age. And if necessary, meet their needs in unconventional ways. For instance, your 3 year old with an emotional age of 9 months might find great comfort in playing with a stacking toy in a pack'n'play followed up by you wrapping them in a blanket and reading them a story. Don't worry that meeting your child where they are at might encourage them to stay there, in fact, nothing will cause them to grow, mature and bond with you more quickly. 

Sometimes the feeling is mutual...

The process of becoming a foster or adoptive parent is not for the faint of heart. It's grueling, frustrating, trying, and sometimes an extremely expensive process but you keep reminding yourself that at the end of it all you will have a precious child in your home to love. Finally, the long awaited call comes and the next thing you know a tiny little person is on their way. You're thrilled. Suddenly, all of the paper work, the classes the endless prying seems like a distant memory. You bring this long-awaited child into your home. You call family and friends, you take a million pictures and you start settling into your new normal.

But sometimes, all of the emotions you were expecting don't come. Not surprisingly, it happens more with children who are struggling to connect and attach to you. Having this little person you've dreamed about suddenly reject you and push you away at every turn is painful. To top that off, you're sleep deprived and the baby (or toddler) that you couldn't wait to hold cries inconsolably for hours at a time. You talk to other moms about it and they all tell you that this is normal and things will get better. 

The truth is on your hardest days you may start wondering you've made a huge mistake. It's common to feel resentment towards people or agencies you feel should have better prepared you. You're not crazy and you shouldn't feel badly or ashamed. But you also can't allow yourself to stay in that place. You have to begin to work through those emotions. So here are 3 suggestions to get you started.

Fake it till you make it. This one is hard at times but you need to continue caring for and loving on your little one. I promise the emotions will follow. 

Confide in someone. Find one or two people you can be honest with, who won't judge you, and who will encourage you until you fall madly in love with your kiddo (and you will!). 

Ask for help. Let you mom come over and hold the baby while you take a nap. Let your neighbor fold a load of laundry and take your church fellowship up on it when they offer to bring you meals. 

Don't let anyone make you feel badly. The truth is I have 5 children and I was a foster parent for 4 years. Every child I have ever had whether biological or fostered I have bonded with differently and it wasn't always instantaneous (even with my birth children). It doesn't make you a bad mom if you don't hear angels sing every time you see their face.
 And I'll tell you one more thing, it's not "normal". It really is harder. You're not crazy. And there is hope.  

It happens here too...

 

My RAD daughter, M was 2 months old when she came to us and if I had a dollar for every time someone asked how it's possible a child that came to us so young could have attachment issues I could buy Disneyland. I get it though. Typically, when you say attachment disorder people imagine a child who was in a foreign orphanage for the first 5 years, or a foster child that was bounced around and severely neglected. And that's assuming they've ever heard of attachment disorders in the first place. Honestly, I have spoken to psychologists who don't even know what it is. 

I was no exception. When I first became a foster parent I assumed attachment issues were not going to be a problem because I was only fostering babies. I did know that something was not right, but I thought that the signs I was seeing were sensory issues due to drug exposure. 

When I talk to foster or adoptive moms and I tell them that my child has an attachment disorder they are usually quick to tell me that their child also struggled to attach. Of course, not all of them turned into a disorder, but I am compelled to believe that attachment struggles are the rule and not the exception. Even in the best of circumstances the child has experienced a loss and they need time (and help!) to adjust. If you add to that the trauma that foster children have endured it's even more likely they will struggle. 

I truly believe that we should just assume that kids will need help attaching and we should be proactive. The reality is that if you have a child that does not struggle you are only going to increase the bond between you. There is no down side to using most attachment therapies and there is a huge risk in waiting to see if your child is going to attach without intervention. 

As for us, we had become much more informed by the time our youngest (M's biological sister, with nearly the same history) came along. We began using strategies to help her attach immediately and we saw a huge difference in how she attached to us. 

Parenting Solutions: Physical Touch

There have been many studies that show how important touch is to humans. They've shown that premature babies in the NICU that are held with skin-to-skin contact maintain healthier stats, grow faster and get well more quickly than their counterparts. There was a study done in a nursing home with the residents the staff found to be more difficult. The staff began touching the usually unhappy patience while they were talking to them. Within a week the staff reported seeing a marked difference in the residence. There are countless other examples of how miraculous the human touch is and it's no different for children with attachment disorders.  

We know that children who are not touched do not grow as quickly and can even have smaller brains in extreme cases. It's also true that it's sometimes very hard to be physically affectionate with a child who will often reject it, but it's one of the most healing things we can do. Here are some suggestions on how to implement it into daily life. Note: these suggestions are intended for young children (infant to preschool age) you may need to modify them for older children. 

~Daily massage. You can get information from the library, watch youtube videos (search for baby massage), or take a class, but it's not necessary. The important thing is you do it in the least stimulating environment possible and that you talk to the child only enough to keep them calm. It's best to use lotion or oil without a smell and keep lighting low.  Expect   your child to try to stimulate themselves by attempt to talk, move, distract you, etc. but keep doing it anyway. It will get better over time.

~Try time-in instead of time-out. Have your child sit by your feet so that you can touch them while keeping them removed for a situation. 

~Always hug after disciplining. Give your child a real, genuine hug. Get on their level and tell them in a soft gentle voice that you love them.

~Use your fingers to draw on their backs or hands. These can be great for children who are old enough to recognize shapes or letters to work on higher-level-thinking at the same time they are getting physical touch.

~Play with their hair. Brush their hair for longer than necessary, run your fingers through their hair while your reading with them, and if you have girls "practice" different braids and hairstyles while you talk. 

~Invest in a baby carrier and wear your baby, toddler or preschooler as much as possible. It can feel strange with the older kids but it's a wonderful way of keeping them close and offering them fewer opportunities to get into trouble. Plus, hugging, kissing, back rubbing and talking to your child is second nature when they're strapped to you. 

A few things to keep in mind:

If your child has been sexually traumatized you are going to have to modify the way you approach touch in general but you can also use these as teaching opportunities to remind your child who can touch them and where it's appropriate. I would suggest you have your child wear clothes when doing massages and it may be best to only have mom do them. For a while you will probably need to stick to only touching non-trigger areas such as their arms. 

If your child tells you it hurts it probably does. Children with attachment disorders often have a very high pain tolerance and a very low affection tolerance. It's not going to be easy but you have to work through it. Just keep using gentle touching and keep hugging them anyway. If you wait for them to be able to accept it you will never make progress. This is not the kind of problem that self-resolves. 

On the same note, your child may not want to hug you in the typical way and you may need to let them start by backing into you and allowing you to hug them. This is them needing control and to feel like they can get out if they need to. It's important to honor this for a time while working towards a reciprocal hug. 

Lastly, touch is wonderful for all children. They don't need to have had a trauma to benefit from these things.

I'm sure there are many more suggestions of how to implement touch into daily life. Please feel free to leave suggestions for me and other parents in the comments.

How children with attachment disorders process

It is vitally important that parents, guardians, and caregivers have an understanding of how   children with attachment disorders processes. Understanding this, even at the most basic level, will help to know how to come along side your child and will give clues as to how to make a plan for your family. If you're not familiar with this I would encourage you to do further research. This is in no way meant to be exhaustive and I am not a doctor, so this is my Lamen's way of explaining it. 

Attachment disorders are a response to trauma in the first 3 years of life. It typically occurs in children that are in foster care or have been adopted but it is possible it can come from other traumas early in life including a serious illness or separation from a parent. The trauma causes their brains to wire differently than a typically developing child which leads to them being in a perpetual state of self-protection (a.k.a. the fight,flight, or freeze instinct). 

The part of your brain that helps you to reason, to take other people's emotions into consideration, that makes you process possible outcomes before you act is at the very front of your brain- the prefrontal cortex. The part of your brain that causes you to self protect is the base of your brain often referred to as the reptilian brain. That is where our kids live. They are constantly trying to self protect and while they can use the frontal cortex they are not "wired" to do so first. They have to be taught. 

Let me offer an example that might help you to relate better to your child. We've all been in a room with a group of reasonable, intelligent, healthy adults- maybe even at church or work- and a bee comes in. Worst case scenario someone gets stung (we'll assume that no one is allergic for this example) but what happens to these reasonable adults when they see the bee? It's all they think about, it's governs their every move, they loose focus on whatever important thing is happening around them. You know why they (why we) do this? It's our fight, flight or freeze instinct kicking in.  Now add to that our children's brains are not fully developed and they have had a trauma that causes them to believe that their perceived threat (attaching to and trusting us) is real. They are going on their limited knowledge and understanding of the world and they "know" that as soon as they let us in and let us have control they are going to get hurt. 

Our kids will behave in a way that takes control of any and all situations. The end goal is to be in control. That's it. They don't need the outcome to be "good" they certainly don't need it to be helpful to us or to promote relationships they just need control. They feel like their life depends on it. 

This is why typical parenting techniques do not work with children that are not fully attached. In fact, the things that might be wonderful and effective for your child's peers is often counter-intuitve to the way our kids brains work. We need to start with getting our children to process in the frontal lobe. We then can start helping them attach. 

Signs your little one may not be well attached

Just like anything else, sings of attachment disorders vary slightly from kid to kid, but here is a list of common symptoms. 

What to look for in infants

strong startle reflex after 8 weeks 

avoids eye contact 

doesn't smile 

doesn't reach to be picked up 

holds bottle as soon as possible 

rejects effort to calm and sooth 

no stranger anxiety 

no separation anxiety 

doesn't coo 

doesn't track with their eyes

arches back or is stiff when being held

resists physical contact

 What to look for with toddlers 

comforts him/herself by rocking or head banging 

an unhealthy need for control shown through disobedience, defiance, being argumentative, and or aggressive-control situations where there is nothing to gain

shows inappropriate care/affection to strangers 

underdeveloped conscience 

manipulative 

self centered

has a strong since of right and wrong where others are concerned but does not apply to themselves

superficially charming (faking being cute for a strangers benefit) 

rages/ long term tantrums especially geared towards the mother and in response to

authority 

triangulation of adults (pitting adults agains each other)

failure to stay near trusted adult 

learning delays and abnormal speech patterns 

nonsense questions/ questions they clearly know the answers to

presumptive entitlement issues 

inappropriately demanding and clingy 

lack understanding of cause and effect 

extremely high pain tolerance 

impulsive 

accident prone 

lacks empathy/ ability to recognize other’s emotions 

hypervigilant (takes in information most people miss)

sleep issues 

eating issues

 *does not display behaviors in front of others 

*traditional parenting techniques don’t work 

What to watch for with older kids

~in addition to the toddler list~

 cruelty to animals 

lying about the obvious 

stealing

 preoccupation with fire 

poor peer relationships

 preoccupation with blood and gore

*You can find almost all of these struggles in typically developing children. The difference is the number of issues they deal with at a time and that the intensity of those behaviors tends to be much worse than their peers.  These two signs tend to be more exclusive to children struggling to attach: they usually keep these behaviors out of the sights of other people (usually it's the mom who bares the brunt of the attacks) and traditional parenting doesn't work. 

What is therapeutic parenting?

Therapeutic parenting is a specific approach to parenting. 

It's sort of like saying you're a professional parent- not to be mistaken with a perfect parent. 

It means that you study, plan and work towards creating an environment that promotes attachment and makes your child feel safe. You evaluate and re-evaluate your child's needs  and the best way to meet those needs. 

From my perspective, being a parent should always involve these things, but it's taken to a new level when it comes to traumatized children.  Thinking of myself as a therapeutic parent has been helpful when M is really struggling. It helps me to focus on my job as her mom it makes it easier not to take the behaviors personally. Parenting a child that hasn't  learned to attach appropriately is a daunting task at times and sometimes it's easy to be too close to the situation. When we get in this rut I will remind myself of the role I should be playing and then I can start to think about how a behavioral therapist, occupational therapist, physical therapist, enter-in-every-other-therapist-you've-heard-of-here might handle the situation. Reminding myself that I'm not just her mom but the person who knows her best and is best equipped to help her (even when I don't feel that way) is critical to parenting to the best of my ability. 

Let's start at the beginning.

I'm a mom of 5. I have 3 children who came to me biologically and 2 that I fostered and then adopted. This blog is primarily in regards to my 4th child a precious and challenging girl, who we'll call M. About a year and a half ago it became apparent that my daughter had serious attachment issues and since that time my husband and I have been trying to figure out how to love and parent this little girl the way she needed to be loved and parented. It's been a long journey and one we are far from finished with, but I  have learned a lot through the process and I hope to meet others who may be facing similar challenges with this blog.

 To that end, I'd love to see people in similar walks of life comment with their own experiences and wisdom. And I'd like this to be open for anyone who wants to ask questions or would like to see certain topics discussed. You don't need to be a foster or adoptive parent to join in. Most of us have children in our lives, through one capacity or another, who could benefit from deeper attachments.