The show Parenthood on NBC is probably my favorite current show, but I have a serious issue with one of their story lines. Last season Julia and Joel adopt a 7 year old (I think?) son, Victor. Before they officially adopted him he was violent, aggressive, angry and nearly impossible to connect with. It was suggested to Julia that it was all because Victor was afraid of rejection and that once they went through with the adoption things would get better. Sure enough, while not every issue was resolved, it did resolve the bulk of them, including the attachment. I realize this is a show with a script, but I have been shocked at how often this same lie is told (and believed!) in the adoption world.
Not long ago, I spoke to a family that is in absolute turmoil because they were feed this exact lie. The child who has already faced so much hurt is no better for the thoughtless and inaccurate information they were given by a child psychologist. I am a huge advocate of foster care and adoption, but we have got to start being more honest about what that road can hold. Parenting is not always rainbows and butterflies and when you're talking about a child that has been traumatized it's going to be that much tougher. It's worth it, without a doubt. But it's not fair to the families or to the children that are coming into these homes to make them think that there is an easy solution. It takes time and it takes sacrificial love to help kids feel safe, cared for and attached.
As a general rule, the longer the child faced trauma the longer that process is going to take. But for the love of Pete, please do not buy into the idea that a hurting child is suddenly healed by knowing they are loved. That logic is no different than a man telling a woman who had been assaulted that everything is going to be fine because he loves her and is never going to hurt her and then expecting her to just accept that and move on. It's ridiculous at best.
I think that's a lie told to adoptive parents as well as biological parents Parenting is just plain hard. I wish we would all tell the truth instead of pretending we're prancing around in pearls and heels, baking cookies and doing crafts. It's an exhausting, emotionally draining, all-the-time job. Great perks- but they are not without sacrifice.
ReplyDeleteIn our foster classes I felt this info was left out far too often (maybe they didn't want to scare prospective parents away?). Thanks for the reminder!
ReplyDeleteEveryone I know is talking about this show. Ok, maybe just a few people- but I hear it's really good... I'll have to check it out.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm wrong, but I feel like there has been a huge shift in the adoption/fostering world in the past couple of decades to really encourage families to open their lives and homes to children in need, by selling the hope of things getting better afterward as a means to an end and getting kids placed. I'm not agreeing with it, nor do I think it's ok to operate this way, however, in the past when adoption and fostering were less culturally/socially acceptable, most people in the field knew kids would not "get better" and things would be hard and I think were more upfront about that. I don't know, just some observations I've made from blogs and other people's adoption journeys. Attachment theory is a relatively new thing in the mental health world, so even if parents were told it could/would be difficult, they still might not have known what that looks like real time- which then might lead to misdiagnosis and all kinds of other craziness.