Bigger, Wiser, and Stronger

Ana Gomez spoke about the concept of a bigger, wiser, and stronger parent at the despair to hope conference and I think the idea bears repeating. 

The gist of it being that kids need to be confident in their parents ability to care for them. You know how people say that if you experience turbulence on a plane you should look at the flight attendants because their response will tell you if you're really in trouble or not? It's the same concept here. Your kids are watching you to gauge how things are going and to decide if they are safe or not. 

We actually all do this if you think about it. I'll give you an example: I briefly saw a phycologist after we found out M had RAD. She always seemed very confident and sure of the advice she was giving me, but as soon as I would say, "Okay, but I see ______ as being the other side of that" she would back down from her original advice and say something else. I quickly began to think that she really wasn't sure what was happening and I no longer felt that I could rely on her. We don't want to risk the same thing with our kids. 

So what does that look like in real life? 

Be consistent: Equate consistency with honesty. Would you lie to your kids? Of course not. Then don't make empty threats or empty promises. When you do, you tell your kids that you're not really the one in control-which means that they are. It's a scary place to be as a child. 

Be a problem solver: when your kids come to you with issues be willing to help them sort it out. It shows them that you are dependable and that you are wiser than they are. It doesn't mean you have to always know the answers. You can say "Goodness, that's a tough one. Why don't we both give it some thought and talk about it again tomorrow." You still showing your child that you are wiser and bigger and that sometimes that requires giving a problem some thought. 

Win: One of the best things my dad ever did was to let me lose. A lot. He actually never "let" me win a game. By doing so, he showed me two things. 1) I was not as smart as the adults around me and 2) he believed I would eventually be able to do it. He also made sure we played a lot of games of chance so that I wouldn't get discouraged, but he was honest with me about the fact that the game was not based on our skill. 

Be calm: A lack of self-control is great way to show your kids that you cannot handle the situation. It makes them feel insecure and afraid. Almost everyone can think of a time they have felt this way. Our kids are vulnerable even when they are digging their heals in. We can show them that we are able to handle their grief, pain, struggles, etc just by remaining calm. 

Get down at their eye level: By doing so we show our kids that we are bigger than they are, but that we love them and want to meet them where they are. Every time I see a parent do this it's powerful. I think it's a great symbol of the bigger, wiser, stronger concept. It shows a loving response to come down to their level and is a physical example of your willingness to meet them where they're at.
Ask forgiveness: I have talked with a few parents who think that asking their kids for forgiveness equates to weakness in their kids eyes, but I see it just the opposite. Our kids already know we make mistakes- probably better than anyone else, so admitting it is not shocking to them. It makes us relatable, trustworthy and humble- which is not the same as weak.
I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to exemplify the bigger, wiser, stronger concept. What are ways that you or people you know live this out? 

Words of wisdom

"It's really not an exaggeration to say that the kind of relationships you provide for your children will affect generations to come. We can impact the future of the world by caring well for our children and by being intentional in giving them the kinds of relationships that we value and that we want them to see as normal." 

~The Whole-Brain Child             

What every parent should know about antibiotics

My husband and I have five young kids so saying that someone is sick is kinda like saying someone is hungry- it's just a reality of our life more often than not. In the last couple of years I have learned things about antibiotics that my pediatrician never told me, so I thought I'd share them with you.

1) Don't stop giving your children their meds regardless of how their feeling. For years we've been hearing that our bodies build up a resistance to antibiotics every time we take them so when my boys were little I thought it would be best to give them as little as possible. It turns out that some bacteria survives past the point the kids are feeling better and by stopping the antibiotic the remaining bacteria can become stronger and even mutate.

2) Antibiotics can mess with a kids digestive system because it kills good bacteria in the gut along with the bad. Lots of kids get diarrhea while on antibiotics for this reason.

3) Antibiotics can seriously impact a child's behavior because the gut is directly linked to their nervous system. Two of our kids really struggle with behavior issues while on antibiotics and actually well after they're done. I have seen this with a lot of kids, they become irritable, impulsive and hyper-active. 

4)For the same reason it can also effect a child's sleep. 

The good news? Often all of these can be addressed by giving your child a probiotics at the same time they are on antibiotics. Once they are done with their medication you may need to continue giving them probiotics until the symptoms subside. (Sidenote: there are probiotics in yogurt so if the symptoms are mild it may be effective, but typically kids need something stronger.) 

Also important to note: if your child has the opposite effect and seem to have serious behavior issues lessen while on antibiotics you may want to do some further research. PANDAS, for instance has been known to greatly improve while on antibiotics. 

Parenting Solutions: praying for your kids

I read a really helpful blog (or maybe it was an article?) several months ago. I realize it would be the polite thing to do to give credit to the person who gave the advice, but I have no idea who it was anymore. I stink at stuff like that. 

 Anyway, the blog (I think) was written by a mom with a particularly tough kiddo. Not for any diagnosable reason, but just because she was tougher than the average child. The mom said she was up to her eyeballs in frustration with this child so she decided to take a new approach. While her child was sleeping she would pray over her and would whisper to her child everyday that she was precious to her. I appreciated that she used the word "precious" because "love" is so overused and because when I hear it I envision something beautiful and fragile. I started doing the same thing with M. Although, I'd be lying if I said I do it daily, I can say that when I hold myself accountable to it I see a huge difference. Not in her necessarily, but in the way that I see her. It keeps me from seeing her as a list of behaviors and instead it reminds me that she is hurting and healing and most importantly, that she was created by the Lord and that she belongs to Him and that He loves her so much more than I do. 

There is nothing like a sleeping child to remind you of just how vulnerable they really are and there is nothing like prayer to remind you of how much you need the Lord so that you can love your child in real and tangible ways. To that end, I am going to be more mindful of praying over each of my children before I go to bed each night. There is nothing more important I can do for them.

luxuries we don't have

Sometimes I'm keenly aware of how different parenting a RADling is, but last week I had a moment that made me realize something I haven't actively thought about in a while. I went out to dinner with two women I adore. While we were chatting one of my friends commented to the other that I often put M on my lap and play with her hair instinctively/mindlessly. It was a fair assumption. I would assume the same, but it's not true. In that moment I realized that I gave up the luxury of doing anything without thought the day we found out M had RAD. We have to think about everything. Her activities, the way we phrase things, the way we play, when and how we touch her, her sleep, her activities, her friends, the way her room is set up, who can babysit, the foods she eats, etc.  There is no aspect of her life, and by proxy, our lives that has not been impacted by RAD. I'm not saying it to complain. I love my little RADling intensely and I feel blessed (most of the time) to get to be the one who sacrifices for her, and I feel incredibly blessed to live in a time and place where we are aware of RAD and there is support for us and her. That being said,  it is a reality of parenting a child with attachment issues. I hope over time she will continue to heal and it will be less and less necessary, but for now it's part of the deal. I get to parent an amazing little girl and when I think about it that way it seems like a small price to pay. 

To diagnose or not to diagnose

I have received small amount of criticism for having M diagnosed. Turns out almost everyone has an opinion on the topic. And opinions run deep when it comes to a small child being diagnosed with a emotional disorder. Since everyone else is happy to share their thoughts I will too.  

For starters, I think it's really important to know why you're seeking a diagnosis. My husband and I feel strongly that a diagnosis is really nothing more than a shorthand to describe a set of symptoms that are all related. It's not an opportunity for us to offer an excuse for M's behavior or for us to throw our hands up and say it's not our fault. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Understanding how M's brain works tells us how we can respond to and love her. There are also practical reasons for diagnosing. Insurance might cover therapies, you might get access to support and help that you can't get without a diagnosis. That being said, I also have no issue with people acting on the notion that their child has a diagnosis assuming they see the signs, they are seeing results with treating that child as though they had been diagnosed, and so long as they are not medicating. 

Can I tell you as a mom who knew that something serious was happening with my child, having people make the assumption that I was looking for an excuse was hurtful at a time that I already felt a bit crazy? If you know a mom who confides in you that something is going on with their child, whatever that may be, offer support. I'm not saying you can't be honest, but don't send her an article that says that whatever diagnosis she thinks might fit her child is not a real thing, or assume that she's has ulterial motives for seeking help. I don't know any parents who wouldn't love to be proven wrong when it comes to things like this and if they are right they are going to need all the people in their corner that they can get. 

Here's to trying new things

A little back story: At the Despair to Hope conference Ana Gomez spoke about our personal "clouds"- essentially our baggage we bring into parenting that filters the way we see our children's behavior. As I've mentioned before I hate manipulation. While it is of course, sinful I know that a part of my intense feelings about it has more to do with personal past experiences than the fact that my heart is broken over my children's sin. So, God in all His wisdom and love choose a RAD child (aka a master manipulator) for me. It's part of my job to look out for her manipulation because it's really a way to perpetuate a lack of closeness to those around her, and at the same time it means that I need to be very aware of my own issues with it so that I can parent her in a loving and consistent way. The truth is I spend more time watching out for her sin than I do my own and I get caught in a trap of not parenting her for the right reasons. 

So, back to the point...

The other day M woke up from her nap in a terrible mood. She woke up moaning and fussing which is always a sign that things are not going to go smoothly for the rest of the day. After her rest she is expected to make her bed and she was attempting to fold a blanket which wasn't going well for her. She instantly got mad and starting yelling at and hitting the blanket. My typical response to that would have been to put her back in her bed, take the blanket out of her room and let her know that she could stay there until she was back in control of her emotions. I know from past experiences that could take anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours, but I'm nothing if not stubborn and I was more than willing to dig my heals in. Luckily for both of us, I've been reading a great book called The Whole Brain Child and while I don't agree with everything in it I did pause to think about what their approach would be. Instead of saying anything to M I went into her room, put her in her bed and climbed in with her. For about 30 seconds she cried a deep, angry cry. I didn't say anything to her I just held her tightly. After 30 seconds her cry changed from being angry to being so, so sad. I still didn't say anything to her but I held her close and waited for her to calm down. It took about 10 minutes for her to stop crying, for her breathing to become normal and her heart-rate to slow down. When I was sure she was calm I turned her towards me and we whispered about what had happened, why she was so upset and what she should do in the future. I told her that I was going to discipline her for her lack of self-control to which she responded beautifully. She sat in her bed with a good attitude and ran to me when her time was up to give me a hug and ask me for forgiveness. Since then she has spoken about it several times and I saw an improvement in her behavior for the rest of the day. It was a big moment for me. I had a chance to meet her where she was at, to make her feel loved and to express my desire to help her fight her sin while still holding her accountable. It made me think of the many times my husband has gently approached me in my sin and how quickly a hug or a kind word can change my attitude in the moment. I need to practice doing to same for my kids on a consistent basis.

I highly recommend The Whole Brain Child. It's in no way specific to children with attachment issues, but it's still very useful for them and all children.

It's not personal

M has been showing signs this week that she is starting to regress. In the past these "episodes" have lasted for a months at a time and can be very disheartening for us. It's exhausting and just thinking about it makes me feel a bit overwhelmed. Still, it comes with the territory and I know that the Lord will cary us through this just like He has every other time. 

I know that for myself, expectations are everything. I was shocked and very upset this morning when M displayed a behavior I haven't seen in her in a while. I have a tendency to think that I've earned/worked my way out of dealing with these things again, which is of course ridiculous and illogical, but a personal struggle nonetheless. So, as I'm preparing myself for what likely to come and trying to figure out what we need to change to deal with it I need to be constantly reminded of one thing:

It's not personal. 

The truth is her behaviors, and her desire to push me away is not personal, it has nothing to do with me. She is reacting to trauma she didn't ask for and has no ability to process at this age. That in no way excuses me or her from addressing her sin, but I have to keep telling myself the truth to be the best mom I can for her. I need to understand it from a clinical point so that I can approach it in practical and applicable ways and as soon as I start letting my emotions cloud my judgement I stop doing that.

The Strange Situation Experiment

This video shows the widely known Strange Experiment. If you haven't seen it, it's a great way to see what health and unhealthy attachment looks like in young children. 

At one point in the video the interviewee says that this experiment is a significant indicator as to what the parent/child relationship will look like 20 years down the road. If you're like me and you recognize your own child when you see the two unhealthy attachments please don't be discouraged. It's all the more reason to fight for your child. It's further proof that these issues will not self-resolve but that doesn't mean that they can't be fixed through hard work and dedication. 

manipulation

Full disclosure: The behavior I hate the most is the manipulation. I. Hate. It. 

RAD kids are master manipulators and M is no exception. Of course, to be such amazing little manipulators they also have to be hyper-vigilant (taking in excess information about their surroundings)  and to know their audience. 

Let me give you a few of examples of what this looks like in our house:

At two years old M could pick her target in within 20 seconds of walking into the store. Once we got within 5 feet of her victim she would start crying. A terrible, pitiful little cry. With real tears. Although, she sometimes liked to mix it up with some all out tantrums too. Almost, without fail, the stranger would walk up to her and say something like, "Oh, what's the matter? Don't cry. You're so cute. (Looking at me) She's so sweet, I don't know how you can handle it." She won. She controlled the situation and she got unhealthy attention. 

M can size someone up almost instantly and she is astoundingly accurate. I have one friend who is extremely uncomfortable addressing her manipulation. M knows this and is far worse with this particular friend than she is with any other. She has tried to get just about everyone we know to "save" her when she's being disciplined. We have asked our friends and family to just say "No M. Right now you need to listen to your mom". But, because this friend doesn't feel comfortable with that M screams for her and begs her to come get her any time M's being corrected and my friend's around. And you can bet her need for "correction" goes way up when my friend is visiting. 

This week we tried letting M go to Vacation Bible School. Night 2 she got an adult to give her gum (even though her older brothers told said adult that she never allowed to have gum), she got 3 adults to search all over for a craft she made while she sat crying (believe me when I tell you she does not care about the craft), and suckered about half-a-dozen adults into feeling sorry for her and interrupting while I was correcting her. Again, I can tell you she was angry at me and not at all remorseful, but acting pitiful played much more in her favor. 

I could go on, but let me just suffice to say that if you have a child with serious attachment issues and you're wondering if they might be manipulating you and others, the answer is almost definitely yes. 

Side note: There is no point in trying to tell a stranger that your 20 lb, big brown-eyed, adorable, 2 year old is just playing them. They will just think your crazy. Trust me. 

So, the question is: what do you do about it. 

I think the reason I hate the manipulation so much is that my ability to address it is limited. 

It's frustrating, but the reality is you cannot keep your child from manipulating strangers. You can limit it by wearing your child when you're in public and trying to remove them from the situation when they are getting unhealthy attention. You absolutely have to explain to the people in your child life that he or she is manipulative and ask them to back you up. We know of/have read about RAD kids who convince their teachers that they can't read, who throw away their lunch and say their parents don't feed them, who say their mom and dad are hurting them, etc. The are amazingly convincing. You have to have a very open relationship with the people who are spending the most amount of time with your child so that they can understand what a big issues this is. 

Because RAD is so difficult to explain quickly I usually say something along the lines of "M has RAD which means that she doesn't believe that adults will meet her needs so she's going to test you. If you ask her if she wants a pink crayon or a yellow one she will politely ask for a green one. She does not care about the crayon color she is trying to decide if you mean what you say and that will tell her if she can trust you or not. Assuming you pass the initial test she will up the behaviors a bit. You must be consistent and we must talk about what she's doing/saying." If there is a person in your child's life don't take this seriously, I would caution you against your child spending a lot of time with that person. They will make your child sicker and make your already very difficult job much tougher.
If you have an older child, call them out on their manipulation. If they are doing attention getting behaviors come right out and say, "Do you need my attention right now?" Let them know that you are in contact with their teacher/grandparent/ day care provider and hold them accountable for their actions.
Remember that there is an upside to this (I'm mostly talking to myself here) : An ability to read people and to know what engages them can be a very valuable asset. The key is getting them to use their powers for good and not evil. 

A question for you

I have an opportunity to talk to a group of foster care licensing workers about attachment  next week, and I'm wondering what you all wish they knew? For those of you that are or have been licensed did you tell your worker about concerns? What was their response? What do you wish they would have said/done? 

I feel so blessed and so very overwhelmed to be able to talk to these folks and I don't want to waste the opportunity.

  If you have thoughts on this issue PLEASE share them with me! I would love to be able to go to them and give them practical suggestions on how to help foster parents who are maybe just discovering this or aren't sure what to do once they do realize what their facing. 

Control

The behaviors we see in kids with attachment disorders always comes down to one thing: control. RAD kids have a deep-rooted belief that adults can't or won't take care of them and that they can only depend on themselves to have their needs met. Children with RAD have had this belief confirmed for them (from their limited perspective) at some point in their early life and are acting from that point of view.
While we have seen some huge improvements in M she sometimes still really struggles to give up control. In fact, I have a little "test" I do when I think she's beginning to regress; I tell her that I'm going to pick her outfit for the day. If she can handle that I know we're okay, but if she gets upset I know I better start preparing. Like most things, parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder requires that you parent from a very different perspective. 

When M was first diagnosed we began reading about how to help her and one of the suggestions was that you keep consequences random. We had always thought that it would be best for our children to know what the discipline would be for any given behavior and we had worked hard to be consistent which had worked well for our other children. M never seemed to care about consequences though and certainly didn't seem dissuaded by them. Shortly after learning that RAD kids would benefit from the unknown we changed our approach. The first time M was disciplined for something I told her she was going to have to go sit in her bed. In the past she would have been sent to time-out for the infraction. M threw herself on the ground and started screaming "NO! I go to time-out. I go to time-out." She did not care what that she was getting a consequence- she just wanted control. 

We saw, and sometimes still see, her desire to control. There does not need to be anything to gain other than controlling the situation whether the outcome is good or bad was/is of no concern to her. It's a big issue for kids with attachment disorders and one we have to be very aware of. 

As parents of kids with attachment disorders we need to be vigilant about this. Taking control away is key. It seems odd, but RAD kids need to know that they will survive with someone else in control. RAD kids should not have choices even in the little things at first. It's too much for them to handle. It's also hugely beneficial to have them ask for everything. If they ask to go to the bathroom and have a drink of water it gives you lots of opportunities to say yes and them lots of opportunities to ask to have their needs met.

Our Story

I started this blog for a couple of reasons. Partially, because I'm really passionate about attachment and never really run out of things to say about it. Partially, because I have a dear friend that strongly urged me to do it. And partially, because I have found amazing resources to help parents of kids that struggle with attachment but I find that most of them are geared towards older children. 

I'm by no means an expert. I'm not a professional- anything. I'm just a mom who's really fascinated by the way kids develop and who really wants to help her child be the very best little person she can be. 

My daughter, M came to us at 2 months old as a foster child. She was a cute, chubby little baby with tons of hair. Her first night with us she slept through the night and I was smitten. I'm not saying it was because she was our first foster baby that let me sleep all night, but I'm not saying it wasn't either. 

M had been meth exposed in the womb and had a serious medical condition go poorly treated before she came to us. She seemed unhappy a lot. She was stiff and easily bothered by her environment. She avoided eye contact and wasn't comforted by me as a mother figure. She was our 3rd drug exposed infant and none of these things were particularly alarming. Meth does a number on babies and I attributed her behaviors to sensory issues due to the drug exposure. 

Around 9 months M started raging. She screamed at me. Literally- at me. For hours without stopping. She threw her head into walls, punched, kicked and still didn't seem to identify me as her mom or even as someone who could comfort her. She hated for me to feed her and would refuse a bottle if I was holding her.  At the time I thought it was strange, but visits with her birth family were going very poorly and I believed that was the source of the problems we were seeing (along with the sensory issues). It seemed logical. Visits were very disruptive to her life and her routine and every one of the issues we saw got significantly worse after visits. 

When M was 12 months old her birth mother had another baby that was placed with us. I had a good friend with a premature meth exposed baby and she raved about what a difference "wearing" her baby made. I had learned a bit more about attachment by this point so I committed to wearing M's younger sister, B for a minimum of 8 hours a day. At first I saw all the same symptoms of the exposure in B, but it was getting better so much more quickly. She seemed to find comfort in me holding her, she didn't cry as much, she made more eye contact and her stiffness was not always present. Meanwhile, all of this baby wearing meant that I wasn't holding M as much. I wasn't as engaged since I had 4 other kids including a newborn to care for and we saw M getting worse. 

A year later, when M was 2, we adopted both girls. I was thrilled beyond belief because I loved them as deeply as I loved my biological children and I couldn't imagine my life without them. I was sure that once the adoption went through and we were free to parent the way we felt best, without the constant interruptions that come with foster care, everything would be fine. Of course, M continued to struggle even more. Her rages were much more intense and lasted for hours. The smallest things would trigger her and there seemed to be no way to bring her back. She was harmful to herself and others. She would scratch herself until she bled every night. She threw her head into concrete because she was angry, but her pain tolerance was so high that she didn't seem to notice. She was 2 years old and rarely called me mom except to be superficially charming. She was impulsive far beyond what I had ever seen with other children. Going anywhere with her was terrifying because she would climb in strangers laps and wonder away alone. She never ran to me for comfort when she was hurt or scared and in fact, seemed more angry at me- as though she blamed me. She never displayed any sign of stranger anxiety. In fact, most of the time she didn't seem to notice if I was around or not. It was painstaking to watch and nothing I was trying seemed to help. 

Up until this point, no one else had seen the severe rages, but when M was about 2.5 my husband began working from home. M held herself together for a few days, but that was all she could do. She began raging at my husband as well. Experiencing our daughter's rages versus hearing about them gave him a who new perspective. He began intervening at times, but I didn't want M to get the idea that I couldn't care for her even when she was displaying her worst behavior, so often he would come in and sit with me while I held her, or video tape her so we could review it later, or jump in with the other kids because it really was physically and emotionally exhausting, not to mention time consuming.

All the while, I had been reaching out to try and find help. I had spoken to our pediatrician and a psychologist who tried to assure me that these were all normal behaviors for toddlers. I saw a neurologist who said it was too early to tell but he thought she probably had bipolar. The occupational therapist said that it was all just sensory issues. Friends and family said everything from your boys were just easy and this is just a girl thing, to she needs vitamins, to suggesting I have her tested for autism, or that she just needed diet changes. *

 One day I had it. I went to the library and checked out every book they had relating to parenting difficult children as well as books on every one of the syndromes that had been suggested to me. We also changed her diet and began introducing several different vitamins. Our rule was: If it won't hurt her we'll try it. I became obsessed with reading. All of the books on syndrome had parts that related to M, but nothing that made me think "yeah, that's my kid!" so I kept reading. At the end of every one of the parenting difficult kids books they had a disclaimer of sorts. It always went something like this: If your child does __________ you need to seek further help. Without fail my little girl fit right into that category. But, they never told me who to seek help from or what I was seeking help for exactly. 

Then, one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. My mom had kept M that day and said, "She's always so good for me." She wasn't mocking me, she was sympathizing that kids are often better behaved for other people than they are for their parents which I had experienced with each of my kids.  But, it somehow really bothered me with M- maybe because her behaviors with me were so extreme. Later that I night I remembered something that a mom of a RAD kid had said to me 2 years earlier. She said, "You know a RAD mom because they are the only parents who get upset when people say how well behaved their children are. Every time you hear it you know your kid's shopping around for a new set of parents." I ran to my computer and looked up the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder. It was like reading a list of words that I had written myself to describe my little girl. 

I felt absolute relief. I know that's strange, but that's the truth. It was like a huge weight had been lifted.  Many parents go into denial or they begin to grieve (the grief came later for me), but for me it meant that we finally had a direction. I wasn't just watching my child slip further and further away with no way to stop it. I knew enough about attachment disorders to know that it was going to be a long journey, but at least we knew what we were up against and we could begin immediately helping her. I told my husband, who at first was somewhat skeptical given that she had been with us since she was 2 months old, but once he read about it he was equally convinced. We found a psychologist, started reading a ton of books and reaching out to other parents of RAD kids to get some help. M's reactions to the treatment confirmed for us that she really wasn't attached to us.

 Nearly 2 years later a lot has changed. M shows all the signs of being attached to us. She identifies me as her mom and seeks me out for comfort. She's very good at making eye contact and show genuine sympathy for the people around her.  She no longer rages and while we still deal with most of her other behaviors on a daily basis all of them have gotten markedly better. We still see times of regression, but it never gets as bad as it was to begin with and now we have strategies to help her come back to us when she's struggling. 

I'm really proud of my little girl. She is a fighter. 

*I just want to insert here that I have no anomocity twords and of these people. I truly believe they all cared about my daughter and myself and they were all acting on the information they had. I only bring it up to point out how hard RAD is to diagnose. As well as our responsibility to keep searching for answers when we believe something is wrong regardless of what other people say. 

Implicit memory

In the last few training classes I've taken we talked about implicit memory. Implicit memory (vs. explicit memory) is the unconscious memory. We all have implicit memory from the time we are born (and possibly earlier). It is the part of our memory that is formed when an event triggers strong emotions. For instance, an infant that was bitten by a dog may be terrified of dogs as a child, but not be able to explicitly remember why. It's important for parents of traumatized children to keep this in mind. Sometimes our children are reacting to their implicit memories of being unsafe (for any varieties of reasons). It is completely plausible that children do not know why they behaved a certain way or why they have an unreasonable fear of something. 

Implicit memory is tough to deal with, but his is where I think documentation can be helpful. You may be able to find triggers which can help to identify certain struggles for your little one and possibly avoid them or prepare you child for them. 

We can also use it to our advantage. As a mom who fostered infants I know that while those children will not explicitly remember their time with us, they may have implicit memory of being safe, cared for and loved. 

Here's an extremely informative article that goes into this concept on a much deeper level.