Bigger, Wiser, and Stronger

Ana Gomez spoke about the concept of a bigger, wiser, and stronger parent at the despair to hope conference and I think the idea bears repeating. 

The gist of it being that kids need to be confident in their parents ability to care for them. You know how people say that if you experience turbulence on a plane you should look at the flight attendants because their response will tell you if you're really in trouble or not? It's the same concept here. Your kids are watching you to gauge how things are going and to decide if they are safe or not. 

We actually all do this if you think about it. I'll give you an example: I briefly saw a phycologist after we found out M had RAD. She always seemed very confident and sure of the advice she was giving me, but as soon as I would say, "Okay, but I see ______ as being the other side of that" she would back down from her original advice and say something else. I quickly began to think that she really wasn't sure what was happening and I no longer felt that I could rely on her. We don't want to risk the same thing with our kids. 

So what does that look like in real life? 

Be consistent: Equate consistency with honesty. Would you lie to your kids? Of course not. Then don't make empty threats or empty promises. When you do, you tell your kids that you're not really the one in control-which means that they are. It's a scary place to be as a child. 

Be a problem solver: when your kids come to you with issues be willing to help them sort it out. It shows them that you are dependable and that you are wiser than they are. It doesn't mean you have to always know the answers. You can say "Goodness, that's a tough one. Why don't we both give it some thought and talk about it again tomorrow." You still showing your child that you are wiser and bigger and that sometimes that requires giving a problem some thought. 

Win: One of the best things my dad ever did was to let me lose. A lot. He actually never "let" me win a game. By doing so, he showed me two things. 1) I was not as smart as the adults around me and 2) he believed I would eventually be able to do it. He also made sure we played a lot of games of chance so that I wouldn't get discouraged, but he was honest with me about the fact that the game was not based on our skill. 

Be calm: A lack of self-control is great way to show your kids that you cannot handle the situation. It makes them feel insecure and afraid. Almost everyone can think of a time they have felt this way. Our kids are vulnerable even when they are digging their heals in. We can show them that we are able to handle their grief, pain, struggles, etc just by remaining calm. 

Get down at their eye level: By doing so we show our kids that we are bigger than they are, but that we love them and want to meet them where they are. Every time I see a parent do this it's powerful. I think it's a great symbol of the bigger, wiser, stronger concept. It shows a loving response to come down to their level and is a physical example of your willingness to meet them where they're at.
Ask forgiveness: I have talked with a few parents who think that asking their kids for forgiveness equates to weakness in their kids eyes, but I see it just the opposite. Our kids already know we make mistakes- probably better than anyone else, so admitting it is not shocking to them. It makes us relatable, trustworthy and humble- which is not the same as weak.
I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to exemplify the bigger, wiser, stronger concept. What are ways that you or people you know live this out?