Control

The behaviors we see in kids with attachment disorders always comes down to one thing: control. RAD kids have a deep-rooted belief that adults can't or won't take care of them and that they can only depend on themselves to have their needs met. Children with RAD have had this belief confirmed for them (from their limited perspective) at some point in their early life and are acting from that point of view.
While we have seen some huge improvements in M she sometimes still really struggles to give up control. In fact, I have a little "test" I do when I think she's beginning to regress; I tell her that I'm going to pick her outfit for the day. If she can handle that I know we're okay, but if she gets upset I know I better start preparing. Like most things, parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder requires that you parent from a very different perspective. 

When M was first diagnosed we began reading about how to help her and one of the suggestions was that you keep consequences random. We had always thought that it would be best for our children to know what the discipline would be for any given behavior and we had worked hard to be consistent which had worked well for our other children. M never seemed to care about consequences though and certainly didn't seem dissuaded by them. Shortly after learning that RAD kids would benefit from the unknown we changed our approach. The first time M was disciplined for something I told her she was going to have to go sit in her bed. In the past she would have been sent to time-out for the infraction. M threw herself on the ground and started screaming "NO! I go to time-out. I go to time-out." She did not care what that she was getting a consequence- she just wanted control. 

We saw, and sometimes still see, her desire to control. There does not need to be anything to gain other than controlling the situation whether the outcome is good or bad was/is of no concern to her. It's a big issue for kids with attachment disorders and one we have to be very aware of. 

As parents of kids with attachment disorders we need to be vigilant about this. Taking control away is key. It seems odd, but RAD kids need to know that they will survive with someone else in control. RAD kids should not have choices even in the little things at first. It's too much for them to handle. It's also hugely beneficial to have them ask for everything. If they ask to go to the bathroom and have a drink of water it gives you lots of opportunities to say yes and them lots of opportunities to ask to have their needs met.