manipulation

Full disclosure: The behavior I hate the most is the manipulation. I. Hate. It. 

RAD kids are master manipulators and M is no exception. Of course, to be such amazing little manipulators they also have to be hyper-vigilant (taking in excess information about their surroundings)  and to know their audience. 

Let me give you a few of examples of what this looks like in our house:

At two years old M could pick her target in within 20 seconds of walking into the store. Once we got within 5 feet of her victim she would start crying. A terrible, pitiful little cry. With real tears. Although, she sometimes liked to mix it up with some all out tantrums too. Almost, without fail, the stranger would walk up to her and say something like, "Oh, what's the matter? Don't cry. You're so cute. (Looking at me) She's so sweet, I don't know how you can handle it." She won. She controlled the situation and she got unhealthy attention. 

M can size someone up almost instantly and she is astoundingly accurate. I have one friend who is extremely uncomfortable addressing her manipulation. M knows this and is far worse with this particular friend than she is with any other. She has tried to get just about everyone we know to "save" her when she's being disciplined. We have asked our friends and family to just say "No M. Right now you need to listen to your mom". But, because this friend doesn't feel comfortable with that M screams for her and begs her to come get her any time M's being corrected and my friend's around. And you can bet her need for "correction" goes way up when my friend is visiting. 

This week we tried letting M go to Vacation Bible School. Night 2 she got an adult to give her gum (even though her older brothers told said adult that she never allowed to have gum), she got 3 adults to search all over for a craft she made while she sat crying (believe me when I tell you she does not care about the craft), and suckered about half-a-dozen adults into feeling sorry for her and interrupting while I was correcting her. Again, I can tell you she was angry at me and not at all remorseful, but acting pitiful played much more in her favor. 

I could go on, but let me just suffice to say that if you have a child with serious attachment issues and you're wondering if they might be manipulating you and others, the answer is almost definitely yes. 

Side note: There is no point in trying to tell a stranger that your 20 lb, big brown-eyed, adorable, 2 year old is just playing them. They will just think your crazy. Trust me. 

So, the question is: what do you do about it. 

I think the reason I hate the manipulation so much is that my ability to address it is limited. 

It's frustrating, but the reality is you cannot keep your child from manipulating strangers. You can limit it by wearing your child when you're in public and trying to remove them from the situation when they are getting unhealthy attention. You absolutely have to explain to the people in your child life that he or she is manipulative and ask them to back you up. We know of/have read about RAD kids who convince their teachers that they can't read, who throw away their lunch and say their parents don't feed them, who say their mom and dad are hurting them, etc. The are amazingly convincing. You have to have a very open relationship with the people who are spending the most amount of time with your child so that they can understand what a big issues this is. 

Because RAD is so difficult to explain quickly I usually say something along the lines of "M has RAD which means that she doesn't believe that adults will meet her needs so she's going to test you. If you ask her if she wants a pink crayon or a yellow one she will politely ask for a green one. She does not care about the crayon color she is trying to decide if you mean what you say and that will tell her if she can trust you or not. Assuming you pass the initial test she will up the behaviors a bit. You must be consistent and we must talk about what she's doing/saying." If there is a person in your child's life don't take this seriously, I would caution you against your child spending a lot of time with that person. They will make your child sicker and make your already very difficult job much tougher.
If you have an older child, call them out on their manipulation. If they are doing attention getting behaviors come right out and say, "Do you need my attention right now?" Let them know that you are in contact with their teacher/grandparent/ day care provider and hold them accountable for their actions.
Remember that there is an upside to this (I'm mostly talking to myself here) : An ability to read people and to know what engages them can be a very valuable asset. The key is getting them to use their powers for good and not evil.