Here's to trying new things

A little back story: At the Despair to Hope conference Ana Gomez spoke about our personal "clouds"- essentially our baggage we bring into parenting that filters the way we see our children's behavior. As I've mentioned before I hate manipulation. While it is of course, sinful I know that a part of my intense feelings about it has more to do with personal past experiences than the fact that my heart is broken over my children's sin. So, God in all His wisdom and love choose a RAD child (aka a master manipulator) for me. It's part of my job to look out for her manipulation because it's really a way to perpetuate a lack of closeness to those around her, and at the same time it means that I need to be very aware of my own issues with it so that I can parent her in a loving and consistent way. The truth is I spend more time watching out for her sin than I do my own and I get caught in a trap of not parenting her for the right reasons. 

So, back to the point...

The other day M woke up from her nap in a terrible mood. She woke up moaning and fussing which is always a sign that things are not going to go smoothly for the rest of the day. After her rest she is expected to make her bed and she was attempting to fold a blanket which wasn't going well for her. She instantly got mad and starting yelling at and hitting the blanket. My typical response to that would have been to put her back in her bed, take the blanket out of her room and let her know that she could stay there until she was back in control of her emotions. I know from past experiences that could take anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours, but I'm nothing if not stubborn and I was more than willing to dig my heals in. Luckily for both of us, I've been reading a great book called The Whole Brain Child and while I don't agree with everything in it I did pause to think about what their approach would be. Instead of saying anything to M I went into her room, put her in her bed and climbed in with her. For about 30 seconds she cried a deep, angry cry. I didn't say anything to her I just held her tightly. After 30 seconds her cry changed from being angry to being so, so sad. I still didn't say anything to her but I held her close and waited for her to calm down. It took about 10 minutes for her to stop crying, for her breathing to become normal and her heart-rate to slow down. When I was sure she was calm I turned her towards me and we whispered about what had happened, why she was so upset and what she should do in the future. I told her that I was going to discipline her for her lack of self-control to which she responded beautifully. She sat in her bed with a good attitude and ran to me when her time was up to give me a hug and ask me for forgiveness. Since then she has spoken about it several times and I saw an improvement in her behavior for the rest of the day. It was a big moment for me. I had a chance to meet her where she was at, to make her feel loved and to express my desire to help her fight her sin while still holding her accountable. It made me think of the many times my husband has gently approached me in my sin and how quickly a hug or a kind word can change my attitude in the moment. I need to practice doing to same for my kids on a consistent basis.

I highly recommend The Whole Brain Child. It's in no way specific to children with attachment issues, but it's still very useful for them and all children.