Parenting Solutions: creative consequences for kids over 5

I'm a huge fan of natural consequences because I think kids learn from them faster and the lessons sink in long term.  For example, if your child forgets their school project at home you allow them to loose the 5 points for the project being late rather than running the project to school for them. Or, they waste $20 of allowance on a junky toy. Just think of it as a learning opportunity. Better to waste $20 they worked hard for on a crummy toy than $5000 on a crummy car as an adult. Sometimes though, you can't use natural consequences so in that case I think the next best think is logical consequences meaning the consequence is related to the infraction.  I put together this list of some creative disciplines that I have found helpful. Most of these are ideas I've read about in books or read about on other blogs over the years, but unfortunately I don't have the references to give them credit.

By the way, these are applicable to all children not just those struggling with attachment. 

Aren't keeping their room clean:

Give your child an appropriate amount of time to clean their room. When that time is up take a box in their room and pick up whatever is left. Have your child earn back or pay for each item in the box over time. If it's a continuing problem your child has too much to be responsible for and you need to go through and find things to donate so that your child is capable of caring for their space on an ongoing basis. 

Fighting with siblings:

 ~assume they are bored or don't have anything better to do and give them some chores. 

~have them sit together, holding hands and think of 3 nice things to say about the other person.

Hurting someone/being unkind: 

Have them offer appropriate restitution (ie. do a chore for a sibling, write a letter of encouragement to the other child, serve the other child at a meal, allow the other child to choose the next activity)

Costing the family time with poor behavior:

Have the child pay the time wasted back at an event that is meaningful to them or at bedtime.

Lying:

Have your child write a fictional story and put their "make-believe" to good use. (The story should be well written and neat. Until it is, they are not done.)

Rude at dinner:

Have them eat in another room. On the same note if our kids won't stay in their seat or tip their seat back they loose their seat and stand for the remainder of the meal and of course, clean any mess they make due to being further from their plate. 

Using inappropriate language:

Have them hold their tongue- literally. (Make sure your child knew that the word they used was inappropriate before you give the consequence. If they are just repeating something they heard tell them what the word means and tell them it's not okay to use it again. It's not fair to them to discipline if they didn't know what they did was wrong.) 

Whining:

Make up a whining song. I recommend using the tune to a Barney song or something similar. Any time your kiddo starts whining you start singing. 

Any behaviors:

Have your kiddo read a book that is related to their behavior and write a paper about it. 

 Have them copy sentences. (I usually have my kids identify and copy the family rule they broke.)

Tell them the discipline will come later. Older children can handle and even benefit from a delayed consiquence. Just make sure you don't forget about it. (It's probably best to give the discipline within 24 hours).

Time in:

Kids that are misbehaving should be with you as often as possible. They need you. "Grounding" your child to you can be a wonderful way to help them heal and to work on your bond. And, as an added bonus they can help you while you're unloading the dishwasher, running errands and making dinner.  It will give you plenty of opportunities to talk and enjoy each other. 

Repeat good behavior:

ie. your kiddo slams a door so you have them practice closing it nicely 25 times.

Earn tv/music/electronics:

Instead of taking away time have your child earn it. We use a marble system for this. One marble is worth 5 minutes and they earn them for above and beyond kindness or helpfulness and they each have certain behaviors they are focusing on (things they particularly struggle with) so when I catch them doing well in that area they earn a marble. They also earn them for test scores, projects and homework. 

Some things to remember: 

~It's important to discipline with your child's emotional, rather than actual, age in mind. 

~Keep calm. Part of the point of discipline is letting your child know that you are in control. If you seem out of control with your actions or words you will defeat the purpose.

~Don't threaten your kids with discipline. All you do when you make threats is give them a timeline for when they actually need to obey. If you ask them to do something expect them to do it the first time and give the consequence if they don't.  

~Catch your kids doing well. No matter how small the act is, let them know you see them and let them hear you brag about them to your spouse, family and friends.

~Be funny and silly. Sometimes you can instantly defuse a situation by making them laugh. It doesn't mean that your child didn't learn a lesson, you just taught them in a different way.  As an example, when my older kids are being loud and rude in the store I start dancing. Like, way over the top dancing. Next thing I know they are all standing by the cart giggling and begging me to stop. (I think I've only done this twice because they remind each other by joking, "you better stop or mom's going to start dancing").

If your child sees discipline as an opportunity to wrap you into a power struggle take the power back by allowing them to choose when their consequence will take place. BUT, in the meantime, they have no "privileges". They don't go to friends houses, they don't get any "extras", early bed times, no electronics etc.