Age vs. Maturity

Often, children who have faced trauma have an emotional age that is separate from their physical age. I had a premie baby and in that community they call it an "adjusted age". If you have a baby that was born at 32 weeks and is 3 months old you say they're 3 months old with an adjusted age of 1 month. You gauge their development on their adjusted age. It would be unfair to compare them to children that had been born 3 months ago after having 40 weeks in gestation. I've always thought that we should have a similar way of addressing traumatized children. 

Asking a 7 year old who is emotionally at a 3 year old level to verbalize their emotions will probably not work. They are going to need the same assistance you would offer a 3 year old. If you're not sure where your child is at start paying attention to how they handle stress, frustration, anger, embarrassment, etc. and make a guess as to what age you think they're functioning at. It can be extremely difficult if you have a 5 year old that still throws themselves on the ground and won't use the bathroom at night, but if you start to think of and address your kiddo as a 2 year old you will be meeting their emotional needs and your  will probably be much more effective in dealing with their behaviors. 

The good news is that kids adjust out of emotional ages much more quickly than they physically age. And most of the time they are emotionally immature in specific ways so it won't be true across the board. Just remember to show them the same grace and patience you would show them if their physical age matched their emotional age. And if necessary, meet their needs in unconventional ways. For instance, your 3 year old with an emotional age of 9 months might find great comfort in playing with a stacking toy in a pack'n'play followed up by you wrapping them in a blanket and reading them a story. Don't worry that meeting your child where they are at might encourage them to stay there, in fact, nothing will cause them to grow, mature and bond with you more quickly.