One thing you will hear over and over as a foster parent is "I could never do it. I couldn't stand to let those kids go." Here's what you know if you are a foster parent: No one is endowed with a special gift to love a child, to care for them, to advocate for them and to merrily wave as they go. As a foster parent you go in knowing that your heart will probably be broken. But you also realize that your heart has the capacity to heal in a way that a child's does not. So, you trade your heartbreak for theirs. Even if you know it's coming and you know that you signed up for a temporary role it still hurts like crazy when they're gone. I can tell you the names, birthdays and details of every child that has been in our home even if they were just here for respite care. I loved them all. Instantly. I still think of them all and pray for each of them frequently.
In the same way there are no people who are specially wired to be a foster parent, there are not parents specially wired to care for kids with attachment disorders. It's painful at times and it's often difficult, but you don't need to be a professional. You don't need a PhD in psychology, or neurology. You don't need to be a behavior therapist or have some special gift to reach these kids. They need you. They need a parent who is willing to learn, to ask questions, willing to admit when they are wrong. They need someone who will advocate for them and who will love them when they are trying their hardest to be unlovable.
When you are in the darkest moments and you don't know how much more you can take, and you don't feel like your endless giving is making any difference at all, remember this: You are the one God choose for that child. I have been guilty of thinking that someone else might have been better suited for the task. I have wondered if it was selfish to adopt. Maybe M would have been better off with someone with no other children. Maybe another foster mom wouldn't have missed the signs and would have intervened earlier. Maybe someone out there knows of better strategies than the ones I've been trying. But, as a dear friend reminded me, I am the one God chose. It is my job to love her self-sacrificially, to fight for her, to care for her, to discipline her, to learn all I can and seek out resources to help when I'm at a loss. The rest is in God's hands. I am responsible for my actions. Not the outcome.
I think that has been one of the most encouraging posts so far... It's so easy to allow doubt to creep in and then take over whatever confidence/assurance parents have when they are parenting in a seemingly endless/hopeless situation.
ReplyDeleteI am wondering: what are some practical suggestions for parents who have been struggling for a long time and feel empty, like there's nothing left to give or try? I feel after seemingly endless battles and power struggles, I am so quick to shut down (not disengage, but literally shut down) and feel nothing but contempt and exasperation toward the situation and even the child.
There are times when I just want to run away and never come back because like I'm sure you've experienced, progress is slow and sometimes difficult to see inside the situation.