How children with attachment disorders process

It is vitally important that parents, guardians, and caregivers have an understanding of how   children with attachment disorders processes. Understanding this, even at the most basic level, will help to know how to come along side your child and will give clues as to how to make a plan for your family. If you're not familiar with this I would encourage you to do further research. This is in no way meant to be exhaustive and I am not a doctor, so this is my Lamen's way of explaining it. 

Attachment disorders are a response to trauma in the first 3 years of life. It typically occurs in children that are in foster care or have been adopted but it is possible it can come from other traumas early in life including a serious illness or separation from a parent. The trauma causes their brains to wire differently than a typically developing child which leads to them being in a perpetual state of self-protection (a.k.a. the fight,flight, or freeze instinct). 

The part of your brain that helps you to reason, to take other people's emotions into consideration, that makes you process possible outcomes before you act is at the very front of your brain- the prefrontal cortex. The part of your brain that causes you to self protect is the base of your brain often referred to as the reptilian brain. That is where our kids live. They are constantly trying to self protect and while they can use the frontal cortex they are not "wired" to do so first. They have to be taught. 

Let me offer an example that might help you to relate better to your child. We've all been in a room with a group of reasonable, intelligent, healthy adults- maybe even at church or work- and a bee comes in. Worst case scenario someone gets stung (we'll assume that no one is allergic for this example) but what happens to these reasonable adults when they see the bee? It's all they think about, it's governs their every move, they loose focus on whatever important thing is happening around them. You know why they (why we) do this? It's our fight, flight or freeze instinct kicking in.  Now add to that our children's brains are not fully developed and they have had a trauma that causes them to believe that their perceived threat (attaching to and trusting us) is real. They are going on their limited knowledge and understanding of the world and they "know" that as soon as they let us in and let us have control they are going to get hurt. 

Our kids will behave in a way that takes control of any and all situations. The end goal is to be in control. That's it. They don't need the outcome to be "good" they certainly don't need it to be helpful to us or to promote relationships they just need control. They feel like their life depends on it. 

This is why typical parenting techniques do not work with children that are not fully attached. In fact, the things that might be wonderful and effective for your child's peers is often counter-intuitve to the way our kids brains work. We need to start with getting our children to process in the frontal lobe. We then can start helping them attach.