What to do when you don't know what to do...

Kids that struggle with attachment are typically slow to progress- it's just a reality of the situation. They're brains are re-wiring and they are learning how to think in a whole new way. Once they do re-wire they are have to learn how to navigate the world given their new understanding. And there are always regressions. It's the nature of the beast. But, living that out on a day to day basis means you are often dealing with severe, life-infringing, makes-you-want-to-curl-up-in-the-corner-and-hide behavior issues. 

There have been several moment when I've had a near break-downs (and at times full break-downs) when I just didn't know what else to do. All the consequences that had been working(ish) were no longer making any impact at all. At times I have felt that my wheels were spinning (constantly and at lightning speed) but I wasn't moving an inch. It's incredibly disheartening. While I don't have a magical formula, my husband and I do have a few things we do when we just don't know what to do anymore. 

Start over: This is the biggest one for us. We throw out everything we've been doing and start again. We try to draw any connections that might help us to understand why we are seeing the major regression. We brainstorm as if we have never done this before. Thinking about it like it's a new problem helps me to disengage enough to look at it from a new perspective. If you're still stuck do some research, read books, watch you tube videos, find blogs of people who are further along in the process than you are. Do not allow yourself to  take the behaviors personally, look at the facts and try to see the situation in broad terms. 

Don't look at the really big picture: My friend and I once joked that when her husband saw their 6 year old misbehave he saw an opportunity to show grace and patience and when we saw her misbehave we saw a pregnant 16 year old. I really do look at behaviors and instantly see the consequences of that behavior 5, 10, 20, and 50 years down the line which can send me into a total panic. If you're like me, you have to force yourself to stick with the smaller picture. What are your goals for your child in the next 6 months? How will you reach those goals? Don't allow yourself to imagine what will happen 20 years down the line if your child doesn't improve- it's not helpful to either of you.

Make a plan and be willing to change it: During our brainstorming we will come up with 3-4 new approaches* (sometimes they are just old consequences that we've not been using much recently) . Children with attachment disorders thrive on being in control so pulling the rug out from under them is a great way to throw them off of their game. I've also noticed that it tends to reinvigorate me and give me a new passion to start again. And if you find your new plan isn't working try something else.

Take a break: Having dinner with a trusted friend, see a movie, take a nap, go for a hike (if you knew me personally that would make you laugh), take a drive. This is a long, tough journey make sure you're pacing yourself.

Vent: I'm really blessed to have a husband and a close group of friends that rally around me, pray for me, encourage me and check-in on me on a regular basis. I can tell them anything without judgement. They will love me (and my little girl) despite each of our weaknesses which means I can be totally real with them. If you don't feel like you have that kind of support, find a local support group (or start one!).

Ask for help: Be willing to see a professional. Find someone that has some understanding of attachment issues and ask them to help you come up with strategies, ask for book recommendations and reach out to others who have dealt with this before. 

Have one-on-one time with the child in question: It may feel like the opposite of what you want to do, but the more your child pulls away the more you need to pull close. I find that the best thing to do is find an activity that they will enjoy but that require very little intervention and rules so that you won't spend your entire time together correcting them.

 A few suggestions: throw the ball at the park, play a game of tag, read a book cuddled up in bed, go to a children's museum, have a pillow fight, do a puzzle, swim, go to the zoo, sing songs, make dessert together, plant flowers. 

*I can think of a myriad of ways my RAD kid can make any of these activities difficult. Do the one that you think your child will enjoy and the one you think is the least likely to create conflict. Most importantly, surprise your child with it. RAD kids will intentionally ruin these types of interactions if they know they're coming. 

Give yourself a reality check: Recently I was feeling sorry for myself. All 5 of my kids were sick (again!) and I hadn't left the house in days. My youngest wouldn't sleep, my RAD kid was taking full advantage of my business/exhaustion and the others were grumpy and needy. Just when I thought I couldn't take any more I saw an interview where they talked about a culture where women are not allowed to go to the bathroom during the day. 

Sometimes realizing that people in the world are struggling far more than you are gives you some serious perspective. 

Have a glass of wine: When all else fails: Drink. Just kidding. Kind of.

My daughters last regression was long and hard and it really started to get to me. So much so that I actually started having physical reactions to the stress.  I had a short-lived tradition which my boys lovingly refer to as "Mom's 3 B's"- a book, a bath and a beer. It became almost a nightly ritual for me. I needed to relax so that I could get some sleep. Being a night owl by nature I needed some assistance so beer and Melatonin became a staple in my house. 

*I am a big fan of creative parenting and I'm planning on doing a post with suggestions if you are stuck. Being creative with discipline is hard in general but it's very difficult with young children. Hopefully, I can throw out a few ideas and maybe other will offer their suggestions too.