external regulator

All parents are external regulators for their children, but if your child struggles more than the average kids (whether it be attachment or for some other reason) they are going to need you even more. So what does it mean to be an external regulator? It simply means that you recognize that children's brains are not yet capable of taking in all of the information and making a wise choice based on that information. For instance, with a baby you will recognize that they are tired and cranky and take them home for a nap. With a toddler you may realize that the child they are playing with is too aggressive and that your child does not yet have the tools to handle that situation so you intervene or even remove your child if necessary. External regulation is rooted in understanding your child's needs and their limits and stepping in for them when needed. This role is vital to your child's development and to them learning to trust you. It's a constant reminder to them that you are in control and that you can and will care for them. That does not mean that our children will always appreciate our efforts. You would be hard-pressed to find an eight year old that's going to thank you for giving them a bed time, but this is where we as parents use our logical thinking to override what we may feel emotionally. It's wonderful to have our kids be happy with us, but it is not possible to always have our children's admiration and be acting in their best interest. We must be willing to provide boundaries and guidelines if we want to see our children succeed.
I know, from personal experience, that children with attachment disorders want no part in this. It goes against everything their bodies are telling them is safe and they will fight tooth and nail every step of the way. But, I can also tell you that our RAD kid can now eat in a restaurant (and even gets compliments from other patrons for her self-control), can sit through her brothers' school performances, and can maintain her cool on a play date. (Please note that I said she 'can' do these things, not that she always does.) It wasn't quick or easy but it was absolutely worth it. And, as she is healing more and more we are finding that we need to intervene less and less. To be fair, we still need to intervene for her far more than we do our other children, but it has been so worth the work and I really believe it will continue to improve.
If this is not your strength, you're not alone. It's hard work and requires more patience than seems possible at times. Be prayerful about it and reach out for help and encouragement. We need support in this. Just remember that as hard as it is on us, our kids need us to do this as much as an infant needs to be put down for a nap. It's an active way to show them love.